You don’t have to always agree; try validating instead

I worked with a client who refused to ever agree with her father. She needed to win every argument, determined not only to prove him wrong, but also to show him how wise she was. Most of her life, she was desperate for his approval and felt she could gain it by winning in every disagreement. As a result, the two spent more than 40 years at odds with each other. It took a devastating toll on their relationship.

It wasn’t until his final years of life, and her time in therapy, that she became aware of her grievous error – one that had cost her precious years of loving and peaceful times with her father. She learned to validate his thoughts and beliefs, and he, in turn, began to validate hers. They still didn’t always agree with each other, but through this new learned practice, their love grew deeper than she could have imagined, and their relationship was full of richness, peace and happiness until his passing.

Validation vs agreement is a common problem in relationships, particularly with couples. I see countless couples who hopelessly fight the same validation vs agreement battle day after day. It is a power struggle to “win,” no matter the cost, they feel. In the emotional heat of a disagreement, their glasses get foggy, and they cannot see clearly to recognize it is not about agreeing, it is about validating.

Most people think validation and agreement are the same; that is where the problem begins. Validation is the process of acknowledging and recognizing your partner’s feelings, thoughts or experiences as real. That doesn’t mean you agree or even understand. You have taken the time to hear your partner and listen to your partner’s perspective. For just a moment, you take off your glasses and wear theirs to get a glimpse of their world. It is critical that your partner feels seen; this action demonstrates trust, connection and emotional safety – all powerful needs for a strong relationship.

Think about it … don’t we all want to feel validated? If your partner says, “the moon is made of cream cheese,” and you say, “are you nuts? That’s ridiculous,” you’ve shut the door to communication and made your partner feel inadequate and maybe even stupid or angry. Instead, when your partner says the moon is made of cream cheese, and you respond with, “I see how it can look like cream cheese,” you are not agreeing; you are validating your partner’s beliefs in a nonjudgmental way with empathy and respect. Your partner more likely will continue to open up to you, which ultimately will lead to a deeper connection between the two of you. Validation can be the key that breaks through miscommunication barriers and reduces disagreements. You are saying to your partner, “I hear you, and what you are thinking and feeling matters to me.” This is powerful!

What if you disagree? You do think your partner is nuts for thinking the moon is made of cream cheese. This is where couples get really stuck. They struggle with their own internal thoughts and beliefs that they need to be right. This is a crucial time to practice validation. You do not agree with your partner’s point of view but you acknowledge you heard their viewpoint. Stop there!

Our childhood wounds, life experiences and beliefs all shape how we perceive the world. If I only look through my own glasses, how will I ever understand the view from your glasses?

In therapy sessions, I often use Imago Therapy, where couples mirror what the other person says, to show they are listening and acknowledging their partner’s feelings and experience with no judgment. For example, when he says, “the moon is made of cream cheese,” you can respond this way: “I heard you say the moon is made of cream cheese. Is that correct?”

When we have conflict with someone, it can be difficult to see their point of view. It’s easy to disagree. Take the first step by using the Imago approach and acknowledging your partner’s perspective – remember, this does not mean you are agreeing. Let that battle go. Try to separate your feelings from your actions. How important is it anyway to win?

Remember:

• When you impose your world on your partner, you are hijacking their world and making it about you. It is not always about you!
• Understand that your partner’s feelings are valid. This is their experience, not yours.
• Practice empathy when listening to your partner’s viewpoint.
• Take a deep breath before you hastily decide you must disagree. Do you need to?
• Avoid taking a defensive stance. If you need a time out, say so.
• We cannot expect your partner’s feelings to change. They are not the same as yours.
• Each person should have time to share and be heard. Listen. Don’t be waiting to talk. Keep listening!
• Understand that two truths and two realities can co-exist.

Learning how to use validation effectively takes practice. Once you get the hang of it, you happily will be surprised how your relationship will strengthen in trust, security and love.