The secret lives of men… What are they hiding, and why?
Many women say if they knew men’s secrets, it could improve their relationship. They would gain a deeper understanding of who he really is and what is important to him.
What if you discover your husband masturbates, and often?
What about a deep financial debt he has been hiding from you?
How would you feel if you learned he had sex with another man?
When confronted, men often respond this way:
“I didn’t think it was something I needed to share,” or “it wasn’t anything secretive; I just didn’t talk about it,” or “I didn’t want to hurt or worry you.”
From a young age, men have been taught to be avoidant, but they have been given permission to talk openly and passionately about the “Emote” 4:
- Sports
- Sex
- Work
- Violence
It seems men have been shamed into staying inside a four-pronged emotional box. Outside the box, they have no emotional vocabulary. “Be a man” has resonated with them since they were little boys. As a young child, for example, they could touch other kids – including boys – but as they grew older, the touching was not “manly,” except an occasional pat on the butt after a good game or a high-five.
The world teaches men to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, silent and in control of their emotions. They worry other guys will ridicule them if they don’t fit the model of a man. The masculine only messaging remains a lifelong game of “king of the hill.” Never show vulnerability, never show weakness, never cry … the list of emotions men must not exhibit is extensive.
These expectations cripple men from being their authentic self, often leaving them empty, lonely inside and full of secrets.
And who becomes the casualty in all of this? Their female partners who don’t understand why he keeps secrets.
Is there a solution? You can try starting here:
Make sure your wife’s emotional injury is a priority. She feels betrayed, she has been lied to, she has lost her trust in you, she feels she doesn’t know you. What other secrets are you keeping from her, she wonders.
Ask yourself why you have a secret life. What do these secrets mean to you? Are they important? Do you have fantasies you feel will be denied? Do you have hidden vulnerabilities you are afraid to face? Do you worry your wife will leave you if she finds out?
Men tend to feel more engaged in relationships when they feel valued and respected. Now is the time to start reopening honest communication. It is not a sign of weakness, I have to tell my male clients often.
I also work with men on learning how to reduce masculine only messaging. Go ahead and express your emotions without fear of ridicule, judgment or shaming.
When working with female partners, I recommend they express their gratitude and acknowledge his efforts to be open and honest. This is a huge and difficult step for him. Once he begins to reveal his secrets to you, watch how this openness can enrich your relationship and take it to an even deeper, and more loving place.
I also suggest this to women: stop dropping subtle hints and start talking directly about what is bothering you. He is not a mind reader. He will not pick up on your cues. And remember: if you judge your partner once, he will go right back into his closeted box. He needs to feel safe when he leaves his space of comfort and removes his masculine armor.
If you are still struggling in your relationship, I recommend you seek help from a mental health professional who specializes in couples therapy. Think of it as a sign of strength that you want to talk with someone about the issues you are dealing with.
