Ten Things You Never Should Say to Your Partner
In the heat of an argument, you spill out a few choice words you know will hurt your partner, but in that instant, you want him to feel the same pain you have experienced by his hurtful actions. It’s too late to erase those harsh messages from his memory, but you can take some steps toward forgiveness and restoring the strong relationship you once had.
Let’s first examine the words you should never say to your partner, no matter how angry you are.
- Don’t start a sentence with “you always” or “you never.” These exaggerated statements feel like accusations and make your partner defensive.
- “My/our therapist says …” This is triangulation where you are diminishing your own point when you are trying to reinforce it. This also places your partner in an opposing position with the therapist and creates a situation where your partner may not want to return to therapy.
- “You are just like your father/mother.” Comparisons often feel like a personal attack and can reopen old wounds. Keep the focus on the current situation, not past baggage.
- “Calm down.” These words only intensify the situation. They sound like you are telling your partner he is overreacting. It shuts down your partner’s experience and feelings and makes his emotions feel invalidated. Instead, try saying, “I want to understand what is upsetting you.”
- “If things don’t change, it is over.” Unless you really mean it, do not use the threat of ending the relationship to take your complaints seriously. Threatening to end the relationship in an argument will stop your partner dead in their tracks and put your relationship in code red. It can prevent productive discussions because you just told your partner you no longer value the relationship.
- “I forbid you.” You are demonstrating distrust. Disapproval breeds dishonesty. A popular couples therapist and trainer says, “When you forbid your partner you invite secrecy,” and I agree.
- “I would never do this to you.” These words are tempting to use because you think they will get your partner to see your point of view, however, I never have seen it work. Instead, this phrase makes your partner defensive and more disagreeable.
- “I wish you could be like …” These words imply your partner is not enough for you.
- “It’s your fault.” You have shifted the blame off you and onto your partner, absolving yourself of all blame. Once the blame games begin, you make yourself unaccountable in a relationship.
- “Well, you said ‘______’ in our fight last time.” Try not to refer to what was said in a past heated argument. We often say things we don’t mean or mean to say when we are feeling dysregulated. Holding someone to what they said during a previous time usually doesn’t result in resolution.
Can you fix a relationship after saying hurtful things?
Regardless of how hard you try, tempers will flare and sometimes regrettable words will follow. Your plan was not to damage the relationship; in most cases you want to be heard and understood, but there are so many more productive ways to “fight fair.”
After calming down, it is critical to correct these mistakes as soon as possible in hopes of getting your relationship back on track. For example, instead of giving ultimatums you really don’t mean, ask your partner if you can discuss the problem and figure out what is going on.
Instead of starting the argument with, “you always,” or “you never,” try using these words: “I feel this is happening too often.” Focus on specific behaviors and how they affect you. “This is how I see it,” or “from my perspective, I find …” are other words that will soften the message and keep communication open. Try gentle, constructive messages. Before overreacting, try acknowledging your partner’s perspective.
Here are a few more recommendations:
- Acknowledge that you made a mistake and apologize for your hurtful words with extreme sincerity. “I am sorry” can go a long way.
- Admit that you were at fault. Don’t try to come up with explanations or excuses. Simply say you messed up, and you know you said some hurtful things that you did not mean.
- Accept that you may have damaged the relationship and the mental scars may not heal. You may see some changes in your partner as a result. Do not pressure them to talk. Give them time to define the pace of the relationship moving forward.
- Time outs are underrated and crucial. Oftentimes taking a time out can help you regulate emotionally. I always recommend not going more than 24 hours in a time out. If after that amount of time you still are not ready to talk, take more time but tell your partner. This short pause will allow you to regain composure and choose your words more constructively. Sometimes a conversation pause is the most effective communication tool.
If you feel you need help rebuilding your relationship, consider seeking professional counseling. Remember: even if only one of you has contributed to the problems it still takes the two of you to do the repair work.
