Teenage girls can stop the struggle of internalizing emotions

Another deadly school shooting! This time, it was a 15-year-old girl from a private Christian school in Madison, Wisconsin. She killed a student and a staff member, injured six others and died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Preliminary police reports say the motive was “a combination of factors.”

Students who knew her said she was very quiet, didn’t really have any friends and seemed really lonely. One student said, “it wasn’t like she was trying to fit in; she seemed very content being alone.”

Many studies reveal that troubled female teenagers are more likely to internalize feelings than male teenagers. Internalizing feelings can be dangerous. They can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, and sometimes, suicide. Think of it like a pressure cooker. Eventually, as the pressure builds, you release your emotions, and sometimes, in not-so-appropriate ways.

The pandemic took a harsh toll on the mental health of teens with almost 60 percent of teenage girls reporting feelings of persistent sadness or hopelessness, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In addition, 30 percent of teen girls said they seriously considered attempting suicide, which is double the rate among boys.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), anxiety and depression are on the rise in teen girls, especially since the pandemic.

Why do teenage girls have more difficulty handling the pressures of adolescence? Part of it is the way they respond to problems. They don’t know the best way to cope with conflict and their emotional reactions, so they internalize their feelings, while teenage boys externalize the pressures. They express their feelings through aggressive and disruptive behavior, for example, while girls just cover up their emotions.

Teen girls also have the added pressure of dealing with body image as their body changes during puberty, peer pressure, academic expectations, dating, social media gossip and bullying. In addition, teen girls place a lot of importance on relationships. Their self-esteem and self-worth are based on the success of relationships and gaining approval from others. They worry excessively about their problems, they blame themselves for every bad thing that happens, and they feel overwhelmed and not confident to handle these pressures on their own or talk about them. They may begin to self-destruct.

As a result, they desperately are struggling to be what they think others want them to be. The emotional stress of trying to live in another person’s world can be overwhelming, and it takes a serious hit on a teen’s self-worth. Internalizing all of these thoughts and feelings will begin to eat away at their mental health.

Did you know that loneliness is an epidemic? More than a billion people around the world say they feel alone, and the highest rates of loneliness are in young adults.

About 17 percent of teenagers engage in self-harm at least once, according to the  APA. In most cases, they are not attempting suicide; they find self-harm, such as cutting, helps them escape from their bottled-up feelings and tolerate their emotional distress. By increasing their physical pain, they are reducing their psychological pain. More than 50 percent of children and adolescents who die by suicide previously self-harmed, according to the APA.

Are there warning signs that your teen may be in trouble?

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among adolescents and young adults aged 15 to 24, and we know that most kids who die from suicide have been suffering from a mental health illness for a while. Teens who hide their feelings especially are at risk. That’s why it’s important for parents to be on alert for the following in their teen:

  • Feelings of sadness, which can include crying spells for no apparent reason
  • Frustration or feelings of anger, even over small matters
  • Feeling hopelessness
  • Withdrawal and isolation
  • Changes in school performance, eating habits and sleep patterns (too much or too little sleep)
  • Use of alcohol or drugs
  • Irritability, agitation or restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities that they previously enjoyed
  • Less attention to personal hygiene or appearance
  • Low self-esteem
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
  • Excessive self-criticism
  • Tiredness and loss of energy
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering
  • Frequent complaints of unexplained body aches and headaches
  • Self-harm
  • Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide

What can parents do to help their teenager?

Research shows that girls who develop effective coping and problem-solving skills are more resilient and better equipped to manage a multitude of stressors in their life. They have learned to identify problems and what they can do to manage them. Instead of internalization, they have learned tools to cope with problems or conflicts in a productive and healthy way.

Initially, it can be difficult for parents to figure out if their teen is having serious mental health issues or if they are going through the temporary ups and downs of most teens. That is why regular communication with your child is critical. Always try to keep the communication channels open, honest, safe, welcoming and non-judgmental. Be a good listener. Don’t push your opinions. It may be difficult at first to break through your child’s secrecy; that is why offering calm, consistent reassurance and support is important.

Here are more tips parents may consider:

  • Don’t wait for your teen to come to you. Ask what’s wrong. Use kind, concerned, thoughtful words and talk with empathy and warmness to instill an atmosphere that welcomes open communication.
  • Pay attention. Listen attentively. Don’t think about what you want to say. Let your teen do the talking.
  • Encourage them to spend time with supportive friends and family.
  • Talk about social media use. It can be a leading cause of their stress.
  • Encourage them to eat healthy, stay physically active, and get plenty of sleep. It will help boost their confidence and improve their mental health.
  • Talk with them about embracing failures. They are learning opportunities leading to success.
  • If you have a gun in the house, lock and store it securely.

What can teens do to help themselves?

  • Practice positive affirmation. Tell yourself how terrific you are and mean it. It will help boost your self-esteem. Positive self-talk can be powerful.
  • Change the way you think about your problem. For example, you weren’t invited to a party that “everyone” is going to. In reality, just the popular kids were invited, and you really don’t like them anyway and you won’t have a good time. Instead, call a friend and go to a movie. You’ll have much more fun.
  • Celebrate progress and achievements. Teens with low self-esteem minimize their accomplishments.
  • Surround yourself with like-minded people who have the same interests. Being part of an accepting social group enhances a sense of belonging. Trying to get in with the popular group when it really is not the right fit will only intensify your mental health struggles.
  • Read more. Studies show that individuals who read for pleasure often have higher self-esteem, experience less stress and have healthier coping mechanisms.
  • Practice mindfulness. This helps to manage negative emotions. Visualize positive versions of yourself and focus on your accomplishments.
  • The benefits are immense. Teens will feel an immediate sense of accomplishment, they will be surrounded by others working toward the same goal, and they can make new friends.
  • Start a journal. This gives teens a platform to self-reflect, gain an understanding of their struggles, and release in a healthy way the emotions they have been internalizing. It is a great learning tool.
  • Do something fun. 
  • Do something productive to release energy and your buried emotions.  
  • Do something soothing and relaxing. 
  • Take some time every day to connect with you and your inner thoughts. This could be through journaling.
  • Talk to a friend who is supportive, trustworthy, nonjudgmental and who understands you and will be there for you.

Begin taking some of these steps toward being your authentic self.

When should parents consider getting professional help for their teenager?

If you don’t see any changes in your teen after trying many of the steps listed above, you may want to consider seeking professional help from a mental health professional trained to work with teenagers.

Most teens will struggle with self-esteem as they discover who they are, but they can grow in strength and confidence if they follow some of the advice provided here.