We’re Going Our Separate Ways for the Holidays … and Maybe More?
Who are you visiting for the holidays? His parents? Your dad? Your mom and her husband? Your kids? The list is big and so is the stress that comes with it.
As a therapist for the past 40 years, I see this problem surface every single holiday season. It causes conflict, arguments and an unhappy holiday for the family. I think the solution is simple, but couples often push back initially when I suggest they go their separate ways for the holidays. Most feel they will be interrogated about the status of their marriage, and it will serve as the hot topic of conversation at the dinner table, so they bite the bullet and attempt to travel the holiday circuit, only to return home exhausted and joyless.
It’s time to burn the old rule book on what a marriage should be and start a new book filled with chapters on how you want your marriage to look like. It not only can include a chapter on juggling the hectic holiday schedule, but also ones on sleeping together or separately, choosing a sexless marriage, vacationing apart, and even living in different residences. Break tradition and adopt your own rules, ones that will strengthen your connection and deepen your relationship because you are living the life you want as a married couple.
Here is some advice I would like to offer about “marriage separation:”
Let’s start with the holidays. Deciding where to spend the holidays can get downright stressful, to say the least. Of course, you both want to see your loved ones, they want to see you, and neither family wants the other set of in-laws to monopolize your time. How do you split the time fairly? Tradition dictates celebrating together as a family, but you can challenge the norm. Spending the holidays separately can allow each of you to share quality time with your respective families, reconnect with your treasured traditions, and offer a unique opportunity for your own personal growth, reflection and recharging.
This separation also can foster a sense of independence and self-reliance that sometimes gets lost when a couple becomes a couple. I also encourage couples to schedule time for their own holiday celebration together. Prioritizing your relationship in the midst of the holiday madness can help spark some excitement and romance as you anticipate your time together.
Once you decide how you are dividing your time with families, I recommend telling them as soon as possible to minimize potential issues. Be honest; let your families know that your goal is to see everyone you love. Establishing this routine early in your marriage and making it an ongoing tradition is even wiser.
When making these decisions, it is important to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse about your expectations, feelings and concerns. Remember to listen to your partner’s thoughts, too, and work for a compromise. Transparency can help prevent misunderstandings and strengthen your relationship.
Sleeping in separate bedrooms can be another sensitive topic. There’s still a universal expectation that a happy couple sleeps in the same bed. This stigma is outdated! A couple who sleeps in separate bedrooms can have a healthy relationship. In fact, couples who sleep together don’t always have the best relationship. It’s in the old rule book that they must share a bed even when they don’t want to. The assumption rests on the belief that a healthy couple should want to be physically close, and sleeping in the same bed symbolizes they have a healthy sex life and marriage.
A survey published a few months ago by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that 31 percent of US adults do not share a bed with their partner. Here are the top three reasons why: work stress, conflicting work schedules, and snoring. Other reasons on the list include preferring different temperatures, one partner is a restless sleeper or a light sleeper, and one partner is a night owl. Before you choose a new sleeping arrangement, make sure you have a conversation to reassure your partner it’s just about sleep. You also can start bedtime together in the same bed, say your goodnights and then retreat to your own bed. Ditch the stigma and do what you need to so you can welcome each day feeling rested, refreshed and recharged.
Separate vacations are a good idea. The old cliché holds true: absence makes the heart grow fonder. When couples are temporarily apart, both the person who is away and the one left at home can experience growth. Even if it’s just a day of golf or an overnight shopping excursion, going your separate ways is healthy for your relationship. Why drag your husband shopping when it’s more fun with a girlfriend? And why take your wife golfing when you’d rather spend some time hanging your golf buddies? Girl talk or guy talk – we all need it.
The benefits of “separation” are enormous!
- When you have some time for yourself, you will have more patience and enthusiasm, and you will feel reinvested in your relationship.
- You will have a newfound appreciation for what your partner does around the house and for you and your kids.
- You can pursue your own independent interests without judgment or criticism. When your partner isn’t around, you may feel more comfortable trying new things. You’ve got some breathing space to experiment without interference.
- You will rediscover skills and attributes that often get pushed aside. Your confidence, your personal satisfaction and your self-esteem will resurface in new ways.
- Changing routines is good for everyone – you, your spouse and your kids. We all need a break to relax and recharge.
- Spending time with other people can be enriching and give you different perspectives.
Couples need separate time apart to relax, de-stress, recharge, reflect and gain perspective on what is important in your life. Couples will rediscover the joy of togetherness. It allows you to feel a sense of freedom to pursue your own personal interests and friendships, and have a newfound sense of trust, respect, security, deeper appreciation and love for your partner. It expands our understanding of love, intimacy and commitment.
It’s important to remember that every couple’s situation is unique. Whether you spend holidays together or apart, prioritize your relationship. Ultimately, the strength of your bond isn’t determined by how you spend a few days apart each year, but by the love, respect, and support you show one another every day.
