LGBTQ progress in peril: the hidden toll of a backslide.

The mental, physical and emotional costs are huge

During Pride Month, I’d like to reflect on how we got to where we are today, and what the future may bring for the LGBTQ+ community. The photo in this article reflects a time when the struggles for acceptance and equal rights for gays were heating up. It’s a reminder of the changes we’ve experienced over the years.

As a gay man, and a relationship and sexual health therapist for 40 years, I am keenly aware of the stress and emotional dysregulation suffered by many members of the LGBTQ+ community. Countless studies show the extraordinarily deleterious effects on the mental, emotional and physical health of the entire LGBTQ+ community. A study by the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University, for example, found that LGBTQ+ individuals living in places with a high level of anti-gay prejudice have shorter lifespans than those living in less prejudiced communities, and these individuals also may suffer from mood, anxiety and alcohol use disorders.

Today, the rapidly rising tide of anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment in our nation markedly is exacerbating stress and fear in the LGBTQ+ community. State legislatures have introduced more than 500 bills in the last few years negatively targeting the LGBTQ+ community. These bills range from attempts to reverse same-sex marriage laws to exempting health providers from providing services to LGBTQ+ clients based on the providers’ religious beliefs.

Recent government policies are targeting gays and trans people in the Armed Services; eliminating Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion programs; and even reversing protections from discrimination in the workplace.

At 62 years old, I’ve watched the struggles and passionate activism over the years to make strides that benefit the LGBTQ+ community only to feel helpless as I watch these societal gains quickly eroding by organized anti-LGBTQ+ groups. We are drifting back to the bad ol’ days.

Personally and professionally, I have worked diligently and tirelessly for dozens of years as an activist for the LGBTQ+ community. I have volunteered my time with organizations pushing for laws to benefit our community. When I went into private practice, I dedicated my career to the well-being of LGBTQ+ individuals and couples, and tirelessly trained therapists to provide not just gay friendly services, but gay informed therapy.

LGBTQ+ doesn’t really mean it’s a community

Equally distressing to me is how the LGBTQ+ community is becoming increasingly siloed. Most of our strides were achieved by building alliances together between gay and lesbian communities and with straight and cisgender supporters. What happened to these alliances? What once was an understanding and acceptance of the emotional challenges of members of the LGBTQ+ community, now seems to be crumbling away.

Not too long ago, I was at a group meeting where a gay man was asked to speak about diversity at an upcoming event. He was met with a great deal of hostility from many anti-gays; in fact, they actually threatened to remove him from the group, claiming, “you had your time to have the microphone. Let it go and give it to us.”

This distressed me immensely. Who has the right to say their time “on stage” is more important and relevant than someone else’s? It is arrogant, disrespectful, and dismissive of this individual and what he stands for.

I am finding more and more heterosexuals who identity as “queer,” and are doing so because they don’t want to be boxed into the norms of a heteronormative culture. Some may be experiencing sexual fluidity and gender identity questions. We don’t have the right to judge them as many in the LGBTQ+ community are, saying, “you didn’t grow up with our trauma, so you don’t get to use ‘our’ word.”

A few years ago, I wanted to recycle some of my LGBTQ+ psychology books. I took them to the local LGBTQ+ community center where I was told they had closed their library because people were getting “triggered” when they read older books that used terms such as “faggot” and “dyke.” While these terms of course are disturbing, censoring and banning these books does not erase the past. We need to remember the ol’ bad days so we can treasure the ol’ good days and do something to sustain them.

Part of my work as a therapist is to try to help clients step out of false distinctions and the misuse of terms such as “triggering” and “trauma,” particularly when they may be experiencing discomfort and dysregulation. An uncomfortable feeling doesn’t equate to trauma.

We all are experts in our own lives but not in the lives of others. We all should be able to talk with each other nonjudgmentally and without fear that the “microphone” will be taken away from us.

We need our allies. We need each other. Alienating others because they have more or less privilege only continues to erode our already achieved successes and any further ones we may hope for.