Let’s talk about queer

I still remember the childhood bullying, teasing and “queer” name calling I endured growing up. Queer was considered a negative slur against the LGB community. It’s 30 years later, I am 62 years old, and I still will not use that term to describe me. I am gay. This label fits me.

The LGBTQIA+ community today – we continue to add a few more letters to our “label” – seems to have reclaimed the word queer, but in a positive way. In fact, I see many straight clients who call themselves queer because they find that word best describes the fluidity in their identity. They don’t want to be confined to a straight identity. They want to express their gender in different ways.

Many questions remain …

• Who are we to judge a person’s choice of labels?
• Is the word queer misunderstood, or is it just another label?
• Is it a term to voice our radical or political views?
• Are gay and queer interchangeable?

There is a lot of confusion, not only for those trying to choose the right label to describe their identity, but also for those who don’t know what term to use for non-binary individuals.

Here are a few comments from those struggling with labels:

“While I’m sure that I am queer, I don’t really know what to identify with. Sometimes I feel like I’m an aroace (aromantic and asexual), then minutes later I feel guilty because what if I’m trying to occupy a space in the community or trying to fit myself into a box where I don’t belong? Are labels important in order to feel valid?”

“I am queer because that’s the only label I feel is broad enough to describe the fact that I am non-binary and pan? Ace? IDK. So queer just fits best that I’m not straight.”

“I use gay, but my sexuality is more like 10 labels’ worth.”

“Queer doesn’t quite describe who I am in my sexuality and exploration journey.”

“One label feels overly simplified and restrictive in some ways. I am still at the beginning part of figuring myself out.”

As a therapist and a gay man, I am getting frustrated with all of the woke talk. Are we just a collection of letters that correspond to labels that help us define who we are? Why can’t we just use a term we feel best describes who we are, and not let others dictate what we should be?

I admit a label can feel confining and can create judgment, shame and prejudice. However, in the queer community, labels provide a sense of fluidity and can be empowering. The queer label helps these individuals identify themselves as they explore their personal identity.

I guess the question is … do labels matter?

Part of coming out is choosing a label that represents how we perceive ourselves and how we live our life sexually. We are exposed to so many new labels almost every day, so it should not seem strange for us to define ourselves differently as changes evolve. Coming out is a lifelong process and can be a testing ground for a newfound identity. People should be able to experiment with pronoun changes, gender identity and sexual orientation as they evolve within their LGBTQIA+ identity. In fact, changing labels in the pursuit of finding one that fits best can be an empowering experience. It should be okay to break out of your confines.

It should be accepted and acceptable instead of judgmental and shaming – the way I was growing up and the way so many of us are today.

For many, a label gives us a sense of belonging and comfort; it helps make sense of ourselves in a world that is not always accepting of gender diversity. Labels can help people understand who they are and find connection to others with a similar “label.”

So, what is your verdict on the label of queer, or any label?

Remind yourself, there is no one-size-fits-all.

Ask yourself what that label means to you, not your friend, colleague or relative.

You are not alone when examining your identity and the one word that describes it. Maybe there’s more than one word. Maybe you don’t even have to figure all of it out right away. Explore the fluidity process.

Here is a TikTok message on the subject.

Here are two more TikTok messages on the subject:

Are we a collective or a community? LGBTQIA+ are letters in writing only. The discrimination and marginalization because of age, ethnicity and disabilities seems widespread in our “collective.” Can we stop this?

I was told countless times growing up that I wasn’t acting male enough, that I wasn’t acting like a boy. I felt I should have been allowed to lead my own way and not be led by others. Do you agree?