Understanding ethical non-monogamy

Did you know that 50 percent of gay men are in open relationships?

I support all relationships, even open relationships. I’ve been talking a lot about this subject on TikTok, and the response surprisingly has been overwhelming! I’m receiving many positive comments, however, the opposing ones – and there are a lot – are judgmental, critical and sometimes even shaming.

We are in a monogamous world where monogamy is the gold standard. We’ve been taught that monogamy is the only acceptable relationship style and any other choice is problematic. This is not true for everyone as demonstrated by the number of gay men who have chosen an open relationship.

This is an opportunity to begin a discussion about their marital contract and its boundaries, which they have assumed individually, not negotiated together.

Even if couples tell me they are in a monogamous relationship I ask if they have negotiated their monogamy. They often look at me like I have two heads. When I talk with couples, most have not negotiated their monogamy. They think the question I am asking should only be for those in an open relationship. That’s when I start asking questions like these: Is it okay to flirt with others? Can they have lunch or dinner with a person of the opposite sex? Is it okay to watch pornography? Is masturbating considered a betrayal? Is engaging in cybersex out of bounds? What about a three-way?

Often one partner says, “No, absolutely not, we are monogamous,” while the other partner my say, “Well, I don’t know; that sounds like monogamy to me.”

As sex and marriage therapist Marty Klein says, “Couples fight over contracts they have never made.”

This brings up another question: can someone who is monogamous remain coupled with someone who openly is not? Sometimes, one partner may find monogamy too confining while the other expects and is happy in a monogamous relationship.

In our sessions, I encourage couples to talk openly and honestly about their relationship – is it truly monogamous? What do they consider monogamous? Do they have a mutually agreed upon definition of monogamous? It might take many conversations to reach a consensus. My role in these discussions is to encourage a mutually acceptable agreement that works for both partners. Couples should understand that being in a committed relationship does not necessarily mean it is monogamous. Each person may have a different view of their relationship; that is why it is so vital to have a mutually agreed upon contract. My role is not to push my personal opinion. I support the decision they make together and have agreed upon mutually.

If couples are interested in exploring a non-monogamous relationship, we will talk about it the same way we discuss a monogamous relationship. Mutual consent is essential. I encourage couples to establish a contract of what they will and will not accept in an open relationship. Some partners prefer not to know about their partner’s sexual activities outside the relationship, while others insist on knowing. The rules need to be specific and clear. These types of relationships require a lot of hard work, a lot of honest communication and a lot of trust.

Sometimes one or both partners think the relationship is coming to an end by opening their relationship. That is not always true. Many happy and successful relationships—both gay and straight – have open relationship contracts.

It is important to stay true to your contract.

Remember, you cannot break an agreement if you do not have one.

I also remind couples that the contract is not written in stone. They can change it. But it is essential that they discuss the new contract and agree on it together.

In our sessions, we also talk about safer sex. When sexually playing outside their relationship, there is a risk of STIs. It’s not realistic to assume the person you are with is telling the truth about being tested for STIs. I always tell my clients to play safely.

We also discuss fidelity and what it means to each person. Some define fidelity by their emotional commitment, not their sexual behavior. Gay male couples in particular, have a different view. They often engage in sexual encounters based on sexual attraction only and not affection. Many straight couples – especially millennials – are doing the same thing.

Effective dialogue is vital. I work with clients to establish this. I encourage one partner to speak while the other actively listens and acknowledges what was heard. Using this form of communication helps to eliminate judgment, criticism, interruptions and incorrect interpretations. Each person should begin sentences with, “I feel …” It’s hard to argue with feelings.

I also caution couples about jealousy, which can be a problem in monogamous relationships. For example, it is common for one partner to worry that their partner enjoys sex with the outside person better and asks about it. That is why setting the rules for an open relationship is critical so you can diffuse these difficult moments in advance. Often jealousy is about attachment issues, and many times couples just don’t talk about it.

In summary, as a therapist my role is to support the decision couples make about having a monogamous or open relationship. If the arrangement is working for them, it is not my role to intervene, share my opinion or judge.

I help couples figure out what is right for them. I am impartial, I help couples negotiate their decision and I support that decision. If couples had negotiated which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, it would cut down on the number of couples who come into my office because their unstated contract had been violated.

Here are my TikTok messages that received conflicting comments. Listen and tell me what you think.

Gay men are successful in open relationships
www.tiktok.com/@drjoekort/video/7408315931782417706?_r=1&_t=8pMN5ekZWGt

What is polyamory?
www.tiktok.com/@drjoekort/video/7409448565359103278?_r=1&_t=8pMN2hSHCnv

Single gay men are critical of gay men in open relationships
www.tiktok.com/@drjoekort/video/7409051046762384682?_r=1&_t=8pMN3rB7LJO

What is Tolyamory?
www.tiktok.com/@drjoekort/video/7408915802709167402?_r=1&_t=8pMN3h5lAgI

I’m calling you out on your bias
www.tiktok.com/@drjoekort/video/7408682173299035435?_r=1&_t=8pMN4bWVyYA