Your child comes out as LGBTQ … what should you do?
If your child comes out as LGBTQ, what are you going to say? How should you respond? This is a question I often ask parents, and they often stumble on what to do. Most parents assume they are raising heterosexual, cisgender kids, however, a small percentage of parents are raising kids who are LGBTQ.
We live in a culture that overwhelmingly reinforces only heterosexual stereotypes. We read stories like “Cinderella” or “Sleeping Beauty,” where the prince falls in love with the young woman. But what if it’s a princess who is searching for the girl who lost her slipper at the ball? Would parents read that story to their children?
In most instances, kids don’t know how to express they have feelings for someone of the same gender. If they do find the right words, parents often believe someone put those thoughts in their child’s mind, or the child is shamed into silence. Why?
Shouldn’t parents be prepared for the possibility that their child may come out, and shouldn’t they provide a supportive environment for their child to speak freely without judgment or guilt?
When I ask parents if they have considered how they are going to talk with their kids about the subject, I often hear, “why should I plant that idea in their head?” Do they think that if they talk about it, their child will become infected with the LGBTQ virus? Do they think their silence will change their child’s sexual orientation? Parents simply are being naïve if they think their child’s same-sex attraction hasn’t surfaced at a young age. I knew at the age of 8 that I was attracted to boys. Many know even earlier, but parents often dismiss it because they think their kids are too young to know or understand if they are not heterosexual or cisgender.
I’ve even heard parents say they won’t have that conversation until their child turns 14 because that is when their sexuality kicks in. Being LGBTQ is much more than just sex and sexuality, and by the age of 14, our kids are worldly enough to know if they will be accepted or rejected for who they are.
In some ways, I feel we are moving backward in our culture. Instead of accepting individuals for who they are, we seem to be living in a culture of fear and suppression.
I believe that part of the taboo is we equate being gay with sex. People are so much more than what they do in bed. A gay man, even if he never has sex again, is still gay. Children who grow up with two dads or two moms don’t equate it to sex. And kids being raised by LGBTQ parents are no more likely to grow up as LGBTQ, studies have shown again and again.
Are you ready to have the conversation? How do you begin?
Here are a few steps you can take:
- Listen openly.
- Don’t shame them.
- Mirror their words back so they know you are hearing them.
- Encourage them to tell you more about their thoughts and feelings.
- Validate their experience.
We owe it to our children to make them feel accepted, and to validate their place in the world. Not doing so may be deeply destructive to their emotional and spiritual growth.
In 2022, nearly half of LGBTQ youth considered suicide. You do not want your child to be one of those statistics. Love them, support them, and accept them for who they are. They need you.
Here is a link to my entire article, published in Psychology Today.
