It’s healthy to explore the erotic depths of your relationship

We often are attracted to people wildly different from us. I find myself saying this regularly in therapy sessions to clients struggling in their relationship, and sometimes in the bedroom. One person may crave “unusual” erotic activities that make their partner not only uncomfortable but also concerned about this behavior.

If couples can learn to accept each other’s erotic desires, it can deepen their connection.

Here’s an example: a few years ago, a couple (Jim and Sue – not their real names and a composite of multiple couples) came to see me. Sue’s anger was clearly evident as soon as she sat down. Jim was distant, quiet and extremely uncomfortable. I prepared myself for the verbal attack. Sue had learned Jim was watching erotic porn. She described the women as wearing black leather, shouting orders, tying up men and forcing them to do nasty things. Sue was angry and confused. They had been married for dozens of years and their bedroom activities early on were a little “kinky,” she describes, but after having children and growing older, Sue no longer was interested in this type of activity.

Her question to me was, “if I don’t want to do these things that Jim wants, why should I?” She also told me she felt undesirable because the women in the videos were young, beautiful, sexy and seductive. She no longer was, she expressed.

Many therapists don’t do enough to normalize these situations. This will go a long way in helping couples gain an understanding of their erotic differences and feel less distressed over them. Just because one partner has interests that don’t align with the other’s, it doesn’t mean the relationship cannot be saved. In fact, this is the right time to help couples reconnect over these differences.

Accepting erotic interests is part of self-acceptance, which is critical to exploring the deeper significance of a fetish with openness and curiosity. This process allows clients to gain an understanding of what is going on and respond in a healthy and supportive way.

Unfortunately, in my 40+ years as a sex therapist, I repeatedly have seen fellow therapists avoid the topic of a couple’s erotic life because they were trained not to talk about it unless the clients bring it up. Avoidance is a roadblock to opening communication and discovering the core of issues in the relationship. Sex plays an essential role in intimacy, happiness and connection, and this discussion may be uncomfortable, but it is critical.

Working with shame and betrayal often is the elephant in the room. A straight man enjoys watching gay porn, for example. His erotic orientation has nothing to do with his sexual orientation but often his partner is confused and feels betrayed, while he feels guilt and shame for his interests. Understanding the distinction between erotic orientation and sexual orientation is the beginning of acceptance and letting go of the feelings of betrayal or shame. We talk about all of this in our therapy sessions, and we explore each person’s feelings, vulnerability and fears.

I remind clients: when one partner says “no” to a fantasy, that partner may say “yes” to a different fantasy. Keep the lines of communication open and honest. This is your erotic life – you have learned to manage your family life, your financial life, your social life and your work life; your erotic life is one more component that often is overlooked.

In my sessions, I directly ask partners to talk about and share their fantasies. I ask if they are okay with their partner having private fantasies, if there are creative ways for the partner without a fantasy to participate? Do they watch erotic movies together? Once their fantasies are normalized and the lines of communication are open, the couples now can explore the possibilities of their erotic orientation and find healthy compromises.

With my clients Jim and Sue, she learned to understand that Jim’s erotic interests were not related to her or anything she did or did not do in the relationship. Through our sessions, Jim shared that, when growing up, he lived with an overworked, single mother who often relied on Jim to take care of himself. She was so focused on paying the rent and keeping food on the table that Jim’s needs often were unmet. As a result, in his erotic fantasies, the dom represented an especially attentive, present mother who rewarded him when he was good and punished him when he was bad.

Sue’s unconditional acceptance and willingness to hear the details of Jim’s past without judgment felt like therapeutic gold!

Once this breakthrough took place, Sue began feeling more empathy for Jim and how his childhood experience shaped him over the years. Jim always loved Sue and was erotically attracted to her. His erotic fascination with dominating women was separate from his love and attraction for Sue. They came to terms with their erotic differences and how they were going to negotiate them moving forward. Eventually, Sue felt safe joining in Jim’s fantasies occasionally, and they made agreements on how to navigate the fantasies and keep each other happy and satisfied. It took several sessions, but in the long-term, their relationship has sustained, it is much more fulfilling, and they have deepened their emotional and sexual connection.

Inside and outside my practice, I have heard countless stories from couples who, like Jim and Sue, were happily surprised at how much it helped their relationship to open those closed doors to the past, and explore the erotic depths of their relationship.

When men and women feel safe to express their erotic preferences freely, honestly and openly, they can move forward and change the stigma of erotic interests. If this does not happen, they will be trapped in a relationship riddled with feelings of shame and betrayal that will eat away at their relationship.

I recommend you find a therapist who is comfortable talking about eroticism so the healing process can begin, and your relationship can grow stronger and more loving in every way.

I wrote an article in Psychotherapy Network on this subject, if you would like more information from a therapist’s perspective:

www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/when-one-partner-kinky/