You want a threesome… how do you approach the subject?

Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a sex therapist, colleague and friend, surveyed more than 4,000 people on their sexual fantasies and found that having a threesome is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans. Ninety five percent of men and 87 percent of women said they had fantasized about sex with multiple partners. 

The question is … how do you approach the subject with your partner?

Start with a simple dialogue to test the waters. Initially, you can talk about fantasies you each have, and then as you’re exploring the subject, you can suggest including a third person and see what response you get. You could start with someone on WebCam if your partner seems interested but wants a slower approach.

Make sure that you tell your partner you’re completely happy with your relationship and this is not about being dissatisfied with them, but more about wanting to add to the already great sex life you have together. 

Once you decide you want to try a threesome, set up specific boundaries.

I always invite couples to make a sexual vision of how they want their relationship to look in the bedroom. Each one makes a list of all the things they want and then you agree on a mutual vision based on the two lists. For example, the list might include sex acts that get a green light from both of you, ones that are a maybe, and ones that are a definite no. It is important that you both consent to what is on the list and when to stop or take a break.  

Anticipating problems and expecting jealousy is important for all couples to acknowledge when opening your relationship. Managing your feelings, frustrations and conflicts is a priority.

In addition, if you and your partner are not in a good place in your relationship, this probably is not the best time to try a threesome.

And remember boundaries around safe sex practices. There is no such thing as safe sex once you open the relationship. Together, agree on what you want while adhering to the safe sex boundaries.

After boundaries are established and fully agreed upon, your next step is to vet threesome partners. 

You can meet for drinks or coffee in a social public place so that you can get a feel for each other and talk about what’s going to occur and what the boundaries are for all of you. Make sure the topic of safe sex is discussed so everyone is very clear about what they will and will not be doing.

After the meeting, you and your partner can go home and talk it through very thoroughly, carefully and completely. Take plenty of time before making your decision. Ultimately, the question is, does it feel like a good fit, and are you 100 percent confident with that decision? 

Ask yourself these questions before pursuing a threesome:

Am I doing this for me, or am I doing it for my partner?

Am I really OK with what we’re about to do?

Do I feel comfortable saying I want to stop, or I want something different? 

Will the people involved agree that we stop when someone says stop?

Is there anything that’s uncomfortable for me that I need to say before we do this?

Do I have any unresolved past sexual abuse or trauma that could be triggered during the threesome and, if so, how will I handle this if that happens?

After the first time you experience a threesome, expect to feel some remorse and guilt. We have been trained since childhood to be monogamous, and we are going against long historical scripts. You might feel some jealousy, too, which is normal. If you had a good experience, you may feel excited and on a high. Also anticipate that one person may enjoy it more than another person. This also is normal.  

If you are single and are interested in a threesome, I recommend going to a swinger or a polyamory meeting or getting on an app and talking to other couples to see if they’re open and willing to have an open relationship with you. You also can try different websites and apps in your search for a third person. This is another option but use these cautiously. 

You also may have some couple friends you can ask, but be careful here, too. You don’t want to put your friends in an uncomfortable situation and risk losing the friendship. 

Here is my article on your first threesome that was published in Insider:

How To Prepare For Your First Threesome: Advice (insidexpress.com)