Erotic Orientation:
Helping Couples & Individuals Understand Their Sexual Lives
There is no shame in erotic orientation. As a heterosexual couple or individual, learn how to have a sex-positive attitude toward your sexual fantasies and minimize any shame you carry about your erotic interests. From the taboo topic of masturbation to more complex subjects such as emotional landscape and attachment, Dr. Joe Kort sheds light in the dark by sharing his more than thirty years experience in sex therapy. The key to happy, healthy sexuality is to not deny ones core erotic orientation.
We live in a world that is deeply confused and conflicted about all matters sexual. If we talk about it at all it is often in whispers, “dirty” talk, or from a negative perspective such as sexual abuse, sexual trauma, or negative and incorrect messages we heard during our formative years.
Even therapists are uncomfortable talking to their clients about sexuality as depicted in the comic quote above by the late syndicated cartoonist J.C. Duffy (he wrote the Fusco Brothers series and cartoons for the New Yorker).
Unfortunately, most therapists feel like Dr. Floyd when it comes to their clients’ sexual confessions. They are not trained in working with the amazing range of sexual expression that exists within each person, nor for approaching the subject in a sex-positive way—that is, as healthy sexuality, not pathological behavior. Fortunately, there are a growing number of therapists delving into this rich and largely taboo subject, such as couples’ therapist, author and popular speaker Esther Perel (The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, and Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, to name just a few titles). The American Society of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) of which I am a certified sex therapist and supervisor, certifies sex therapists and does great work in this area, as well, and an increasing amount of literature is coming from a sex-positive place. We are all still pioneering this path and have a long way to go.
Table of Contents
Introduction. The Trouble with Sex
Chapter 1. Healthy Sexuality
Chapter 2. Erotic Orientation vs Sexual Orientation
Chapter 3. What About Cheating?
Chapter 4. Pornography
Chapter 5. The Big Taboo: Masturbation
Chapter 6. Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships
Chapter 7. Emotional Landscape and Attachment
Chapter 8. Sexual Fantasies and Integrity/Erotic Intelligence
Chapter 9. Sexual Intimacy and Erotic Differences
Chapter 10. Problematic Sexual Behaviors
Conclusion
I remember years ago my mother telling me a story about a young woman who married a young man. The couple bought a house and moved into it. The guy disappeared. The woman could not locate her husband. Thirty years later there was a knock at the door. The woman answered the door and there stood her husband. She stared at him, he stared at her. The woman was too dumbfounded to say anything. The guy remained silent. It was an awkward moment. After a few minutes of staring at each other the guy walked into the house, took a seat, and the couple recommenced their married life. This woman and my mother had a conversation with each other after an evening worship service at the church of my youth. The woman mentioned to my mother that she thought her husband had been in prison all those years. When they were first married the woman never knew her husband to touch a book. After he came back from his 30 years absence the guy was extremely well read. The lady surmised her husband must have been in a place where he had lots of time to read books. She never asked him where he had been for 30 years. He never told her. It was one of the awkward conversations that couples should have but feel uncomfortable having. Joe Kort’s book Erotic Orientation: Helping Couples and Individuals Understand Their Sexual Lives is about helping people to resolve awkward moments and to have awkward conversations.
Having been raised in an ultra-conservative church where there was no drinking, no smoking, no wedding rings, no going to movies, no dancing meant my dog was a very spiritual being, as he did none of those things. It also meant there were no awkward conversations between couples and between people in general that probably should have taken place for the betterment and welfare of everyone. Yes, there were times I found reading Dr. Kort’s book uncomfortable. I consider that to be the strength of the book, not its weakness. My feelings of discomfort when reading the book are about my issues, not the author’s. I consider thought provoking heresy to be more beneficial than soothing, comforting orthodoxy. I am quick to add that such a statement is not a negative commentary on the book. Rather, I appreciate a book that challenges my thinking, forces me to reconsider long held opinions, makes me look at myself, even if it is in ways that are uncomfortable and distressful. Warm, fuzzy strokes from friends are nice, but not always helpful.
I love the opening quote of the book from the cartoonist J. C. Duffy. In a therapist office the client says, “There are things I keep hidden from you, Dr. Floyd,” and the therapist responds, “And I want you to know how much I appreciate that, Mr. Pendleton.” Being in the counseling profession myself, I can readily identify with Dr. Floyd. The biblical adage “the truth shall make you free” does not mention that often the truth first makes us uncomfortable and can even be distressful. Being willing to bear the discomfort of speaking the truth concerning the innermost aspects of our lives can be difficult, but it is also liberating. Dr. Kort’s book is about learning how to speak the truth to one’s mate and how to listen to one’s mate speak the truth.
One part of the book I found particularly helpful was Dr. Kort’s suggestions on how to repair a couple’s relationship after a case of infidelity. Naturally, not all relationships can or should be saved. But, I thought Dr. Kort outlined useful suggestions regarding how to help people to repair a relationship after infidelity.
A part of the book I found distressing was Dr. Kort’s views on sexual addiction. For years I have done seminars, group sessions, and classes on sexual addictions. I get the idea that sexual compulsion is probably more nuanced than what the sexual addiction model allows and that there is a risk of pathologizing normal sexual behavior with the addiction model. I am just distressed about needing to rethink, reconsider, and probably rewrite presentation material concerning sexual compulsivity. This is the inherent danger found in reading well-written books that challenges one’s thinking.
Great read, very informative!