Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?

A Guide For Women Concerned About Their Men



Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? addresses a topic that many people may have experience with, but don’t know where to go to find the answers. At a time when the definition of marriage is changing, and relationships in general may be fraught with uncertainty about a variety of basic issues, a book that addresses the concerns of women who suspect their men are gay or have gay tendencies can help make sense of a confusing situation and reveal ways in which couples can understand a man’s interest in gay sex and remain married, even happily.

These and other stories illustrate the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are “coming out.” These desires may only reflect a different side of a man’s sexuality or some response to childhood trauma or experiences they have not fully processed. Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and “straight men with gay interests” clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.

Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is intended to help couples understand how male sexuality can express itself in ways that may be difficult to understand. Many marriages have been hurriedly terminated when couples (and their therapists) have lacked the information they needed to understand their current situations. This book provides the clarity, describes the choices, and (in many cases) offers hope for relationships and marriages that have been brushed off as doomed.

1. Jennifer’s Conundrum: Straight Men Who Want Sex with Men
2. Tom’s Compulsion: Why Would a Straight Man Want To Have Sex with Men?
3. An Irresistible Humiliation: Joel Loves Cuckolding
4. David Wants a Knock on His Back Door: Is He Gay?
5. Adam Must Be the Master: BDSM as an Identity
6. Carlos’s Anxiety: Men Who Obsess about Being Gay
7. Sam Won’t Cheat on Jillian: What Are the Bisexual Options?
8. Does Jacob Have to Leave Katelyn? : The Gay Husband
9. A Landscape of Identity and Desire: Straight Men Who Seem Gay

10. His Secret Sex Life: Recovering from Betrayal
11. Core Sexual Scripts: Gateway to Understanding Troubling Sexual Behavior
12. Are You What You Orgasm?: Kinks That “Look Gay”
13. Your Man Is Gay or Bisexual: Now What?
14. Sex Fantasies and Sex Talk: How Much Do You Need to Know?
15. Writing It Down: A Joint Agreement about Sexual Boundaries
16. Why Else Do Straight Men Have Sex with Men?: A Miscellany
17. Next Steps: What Do I Ask after I Ask, “Is My Husband Gay?”
Appendix. How To Keep Your Therapy On Track

“Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a smart, contemporary look at a controversial issue. This is the only book I have ever seen that addresses the complexities of men’s sexuality with empathy and a direct language that both men and women will find helpful. Clinicians who work with couples will turn again and again to this book for answers to this contemporary quandary as more and more couples struggle with the boundaries of male sexuality. Kort and Morgan give clear answers and direction and explain how to talk about relationships and betrayal while moving our understanding of sexuality forward into a new era of openness and maturity. Thank you, Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan.”
— Dr. Tammy Nelson

“For decades, husbands and wives have faced the social tendency to shame, fear, and denounce husbands who have sex with men. Kort and Morgan’s book offers a compassionate and understanding view that is grounded in science and clinical practice, rather than fear. Their book offers a surprising and pleasing depth to the understanding of this phenomenon and does not treat it in simplistic, black and white ways. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? offers up a sophisticated view of masculine sexuality and eroticism that is sorely needed. Their work is a gift to the many husbands and wives out there who are struggling to understand the husband’s same-sex attractions and trying to figure out where to go from here.”
— David J. Ley, Ph.D.

“Male sexual fluidity is a cutting-edge, and sometimes confusing, topic. With empathy and insight Kort distills his years of experience helping couples decode and deal with a spectrum of scenarios into a single compelling volume.”
— Ian Kerner, sexuality counselor

“Seasoned couples therapist Joe Kort and scientist Alexander P. Morgan shine a clear and compassionate light on a much needed and little discussed topic—what to do if you think your husband may be gay. They walk readers through the distinctions between being gay, bi, or straight with an attraction to male sexuality. This is not a theoretical conversation but a hands-on guide to a complex, and often overwhelming, situation. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? has the power to save marriages and change lives.”
— Terrence Real, bestselling author and family therapist

“Is my Husband Gay, Straight or Bi? is a wonderful collection of case studies, therapy practices, and research-based information that illustrate the diverse range of behaviors, emotions, and psychological states of husbands (and in turn their wives) who think, suspect, or believe they are gay or bisexual, whether or not their identity actually fits the complex definition of homosexuality or bisexuality. The detailed examples, psychological theories, and therapeutic protocols in this book will be helpful to husbands, wives, and couples who seek clarity in this confusing situation and especially useful to therapists with such clients.”
— Amity Pierce Buxton, PhD.

“Is my Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? is a work of great significance. Dr. Kort has crafted a clear, no-nonsense, compassionate book that will benefit the lay-public as much as his professional colleagues. Written with the experienced and kind voice of an expert sex-therapist, Kort explores variations of human sexual behavior with well-deserved authority. This book is illuminating reading for couples in distress and a “must-read” for anyone who works in the field of sexual health.”
— Evelyn Resh, MPH, CNM, Sexuality Counselor

“A brave and much needed exploration of the diversity of sexuality. Kort frees sexuality by discussing the health and beauty of diverse arousal patterns by breaking the limits of gay, straight, and bisexuality.”
— Chris Donaghue, PhD, LCSW, CST; Certified Sex and Couples Therapist

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