A man is bisexual if he feels a persistent sexual and/or romantic attraction to both men and women. A man can seek sex with men but not be gay or bi. This has worried some of my readers who conclude that I am “biphobic” or I don’t believe there are any bisexuals.
Gay men challenge me for writing that a straight man can have gay sex. They claim that I am keeping closeted gay men in the closet and reinforcing their false belief that they are straight. Bisexuals write to me saying that these men I claim are straight are truly bisexual and that I am engaging in bi-erasure by validating these men who self-identify as heterosexual.
Here is the primary difference between “straight men who have sex with men” and gay or bi men: Straight men who have gay sex report to me that they are attracted to the sexual acts but not to the men. Normally, gay and bi guys tell me they are attracted both to the guy and the sex. That is a fundamental difference: “just sex” versus “sexual identity.”
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