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Many men who have sex with men (MSM) get referred to me
by their straight therapists. Holding my books and other
coming-out literature in their hands, they explain that
their therapists have tried to help them come out. But
since they say they are not gay, their therapist has
sent them to me to assess their true orientation.
I have seen hundreds of heterosexual men come to my
office with same-sex behaviors worried that they might
be gay. However I have always been able to help these
men distinguish between their organic, innate sexual and
romantic orientation as well as their sexual
preferences. I have always known that straight men can
have sex with other men and not be gay. However that
concept makes people very anxious. Some think the
behavior itself defines a gay orientation.
Others—particularly gays and lesbians—understandably
worry that it will be used to show that people can go
from gay to straight. The reality is that from the start
these SMSM’s are not gay and now we have research to
prove it.
A recent
New York City survey found nearly one in 10 men say
they're straight and have sex only with other men.
The findings appear in the Sept. 19, 2006 issue of the
Annals of Internal Medicine. They also found that 70% of
these straight-identified men having sex with men are
married. In fact according to the Center for Disease
Control, more than 3 million women are, or have been
wives or girlfriends of men who secretly have sex with
other men. In fact, 10% of all married men in this
survey report same-sex behavior during the past year.
Some of the findings include:
- Straight-identified men who have sex with men report
fewer sex partners than gay men.
- Straight-identified men who have sex with men report
fewer STDs in the past year than gay men.
- Straight-identified men who have sex with men are less
likely than gay men to report using a condom during
their last sexual encounter.
- Straight-identified men who have sex with men are more
likely to be foreign born than gay men.
It is crucial to have this information as the survey
shows that a man who says he is straight but is having
sex with other men is more likely to be married than a
straight man who has sex with women, according to the
survey. Only 54% of the men who say they're straight and
have sex with women are married, compared with the 70%
marriage rate among the men who say they're straight but
have sex with men. This is different than gay men who
are heterosexually married in what I call the “New Mixed
Marriage.”
The beginning stages of the
coming out process can resemble many other psychological processes. Before
coaching clients into the coming out, I assess with them
what their sexual behavior means—as it does not
necessarily indicate a need for coming out.
Just because you are sexual with the same gender,
doesn’t necessarily reflect sexual/romantic orientation.
There remains a difference between sexual identity,
orientation, fantasies and behavior as discussed in the
article “Are You What You Orgasm?"
Historically, many a therapist would tell clients who
were struggling with homosexuality they weren’t really
gay or lesbian, but that various factors made them this
way. Gay Affirmative Therapy is clear that orientation
is innate. Individuals who act out homosexually or
fantasize about same-sex partners may not be gay to
begin with.
The possibilities include homo- or bisexuality, sexual
addiction, bi-curiosity, homo-eroticism, sexual abuse
and more—you should be informed and understand each of
these issues before helping a client through the
coming-out process.
Men who were sexually abused as boys or teenagers may
re-enact that trauma by engaging in homosexual
behaviors—and at first glance, appear to be in early
denial about their homosexuality. By contrast, some
women, gay or straight, who have been sexually abused
will repress their sexuality, while others re-enact
their early abuse by being sexually promiscuous with men
when, in fact, they are lesbians.
As a result, many clinicians reassure clients that once
their abuse issues are resolved, their same-sex
behaviors will evaporate. But this doesn’t always
happen, particularly if the client is innately gay or
lesbian.
This concept is important in understanding
ex-gays who
claim to have changed their sexual/romantic orientation. Success rates in returning
people to their “innate heterosexuality” are low to null
because these individuals are not heterosexual. Those
who have succeeded in rooting out their gay impulses
most likely were sexually abused by a same-gender
perpetrator, which confused or clouded the individuals’
primary orientation which was heterosexuality. Or they
may, in fact, have just been an SMSM.
Also, bisexuals may be able to repress their same-sex
feelings—simply because they were not that strong to
begin with.
Terms to Understand
- MSM: Men who have sex with other men including gay,
straight, bisexual, bi-curious, questioning and any male
who has sexual activity with another male.
- SMSM: Straight Men who have sex with men.
- WSW: Women who have sex with other women including gay,
straight, bisexual, bi-curious, questioning and any
female who has sexual activity with another female.
Joe's book
10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love
is now available
at
www.amazon.com.
