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Ex-gays love to point
the finger at lesbian and gay "bad behavior,"
stating that acting out behavior such as
promiscuity, being overly vocal about being gay, too
much partying and too much chemical use exemplifies
what gay life is all about. They further say this is
why they became ex-gays to avoid living that type of
lifestyle. However, what they are referring to is a
stage of coming out and has little to nothing more
to do with gay life than it does with heterosexual
life. The stages of coming out established by
Vivenne Cass can be
reviewed
here.
Lesbians generally come out
later than gay men. Studies show that males tend to
be aware they’re gay by age 13, whereas females tend
to know by age 19. I suggest that one reason behind
this is sexism. Society allows girls to touch each
other, hug and kiss each other, even dance together.
But boys learn, early on, not to touch each other or
risk being labeled “queer.”
Young gay people have little to no permission to
explore their sexual orientation. So most go into
the closet and postpone the exploration of their
sexual orientation or expanding their romantic
potential until later in life. By the time a man or
woman finally comes out, they’re typically beyond
the age —usually in adolescence—where most
heterosexuals “come to” an awareness of their sexual
and romantic interest in the opposite gender. We
gays and lesbians miss our true age-appropriate
adolescence and often do not undergo our “gay
adolescence” until our 20’s, or later.
People often ask, “Why do gays and lesbians have to
come out?” Straights don’t have to proclaim their
orientation, so why do gays? The answer is
heterosexism, which assumes that everyone is
heterosexual until proven otherwise. Examples
include:
-
Asking a gay man about his wife or girlfriend,
or a lesbian about her boyfriend or husband.
-
Doctors asking a lesbian, “Are you practicing
birth control?” or “When do you plan to settle
down and start a family?”
-
Asking “When are you getting married?” (For gays
and lesbians, that’s legally impossible in 49 of
the 50 states to date.
-
Seeing a wedding band and asking a man, “What is
your wife’s name” or a woman, “What is your
husband’s name?”
To answer questions like these, lesbians and gays
must either lie, duck the issue by changing the
subject, or inform them that they’re gay and don’t
need birth control; they can’t legally marry their
partner/spouse of the same gender; or that they
don’t have a husband or wife, they have a same
gender spouse. Just as someone who’s Jewish can
correct those who wish him a Merry Christmas or
Happy Easter, so do lesbians and gays have to
correct the straight person’s assumption. So while
the generic “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings”
has replaced “Merry Christmas”, no gender-neutral
sensitivity has yet taken hold. Having said that,
however, I see more and more heterosexual couples
are calling each other “partners” before they marry
and/or if they never marry.
Stage five of coming out
is when we begin correcting heterosexuals who assume
we are straight too. This stage mirrors what
adolescents do to establish themselves as
individuals, separate from their families. To
underscore their individuality, they’ll dye their
hair different colors, shave their heads, pierce
themselves, and wear T-shirts with slogans that make
their elders (particularly their parents)
uncomfortable. For many teens, it’s a blood sport
with no time out: Adolescents vs. the Old Fogeys at
Home.
Stage five of coming out mirrors the process of
teenagers “emerging” as authentic individuals. So
understandably, this is when gay men and lesbians
delight in demonstrating shocking behavior that’s
over the top and in your face. They’re relentlessly
zealous in telling everyone they’re gay. They wear a
T-shirt that says I CAN’T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT. They
French-kiss in the shipping mall or the supermarket
to the discomfort of every Soccer Mom in sight. They
may look and sound like adults, but at this stage of
coming out, their “gay age” is between 13 and 18
years old.
They love to call attention to themselves—and
succeed—when the media points their fingers at those
who voice anti-gay rhetoric saying, “See? This is
how all gays and lesbians behave!” However, their
critics—and the gays themselves!—don’t realize that
this is only a phase of development, one that we
missed at the age-appropriate time. It’s not that
gay men want to act immature and irresponsible, it’s
that they often have to be—at least for a while.
Moving through the stages of psychological
developmental is healthy and natural, whether you do
it at the age-appropriate time or later. For readers
of this article, gay and straight alike, be
reassured that if you—or someone you care about—is
going through this normal stage, it is time-limited,
just as it is for any adolescent. In fact, it’s here
that the best gay activists are born, demanding that
they be counted and noticed. Just like a normal
teen.
If you find that you are a “gay teen” but your
chronological age is 30+, or even later—rest assured
that this time, you get to pass through adolescence
without all that acne!
