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This month has been all about reactivity and defensive
styles that get in the way of people relating to others in
relationships either with family, friends, colleagues and
romantic partners. I am publishing an excerpt from my book
on the Intentional Dialogue which helps people, couples
particularly, learn how to have a dialogue in the face of
hight reactivity and turtle and hailstorm relationships. The
Intentional Dialogue keeps people from using their Old Brain
and staying in their New Brain.
Imago Relationship Therapy has a wonderful communication
exercise that I use with most every couple—including my own
relationship. The communication exercise is called the
Intentional Dialogue and is actually the foundation to
all Imago techniques. This Intentional Dialogue has three
parts—mirroring, validation and empathy. It offers couples
ways to communicate and be in dialogues, not monologues
Our partner is trying to convey a message. Most often, we’re
waiting our turn—not truly listening. We are sitting in our
own reactivity, not truly hearing our partners’ point of
view.
Dialogue involves mirroring. One partner sends
information, on one topic, until entirely finished, in short
declarative sentences starting with “I.” Receiver doesn’t
interpret, diminish or magnify the message, but simply
reflects what was said, until Sender says “There’s no more .
. .”
Deceptively simple! But therapists do it all the
time. You’d learn these basic reflective listening skills in
an emergency crisis center. Carl Rogers, a well-known
psychologist, found people felt more connected and
understood when therapists used these reflective listening
techniques. It was brilliant for Hendrix to suggest that
partners use it with one another.
What did your partner say? “I’m upset that you don’t
appreciate it when I clean up.” You—the Receiver—say, “You
don’t feel I appreciate your cleaning up the house. And
you’re upset?” Then you add, “Did I get it? Is there more?”
This doesn’t stop until the Sender feels heard and
understood.
Saying Did I get it? sends the message that you’re really
trying to understand what your partner’s saying. Is there
more? tells him that your ears are open and you do want to
hear.
This Couples Intentional Dialogue counteracts
intimacy-blocking behaviors like dominating a conversation,
interrupting, interpreting what you think he’s really saying
and finishing his sentences, being overly critical and
judgmental, or too close-mouthed and not paying attention.
Dialogue stops.
The second part is validation. After your partner finishes
what he says, you validate what you heard, from his point of
view.
For most people, this is difficult. You—as Receiver—nod.
“What you’re saying makes sense. I can see why you’d think
this way.” This isn’t agreement, simply validating his point
of view. You’re looking through his glasses, not yours,
affirming the way he views the world. Yours isn’t the only
way to view conflicts in your relationship!
We gays and
lesbians have been told over and over that what we think and
feel is wrong, so validating can be hard. Saying to someone,
“That makes sense” can feel like a stretch, especially when
you don’t agree. In our society, what makes one person right
makes another wrong.
IRT suggests simply suspending your point of view,
temporarily. Let your partner’s reality to surface too. You
keep your reality, and validate his.
The last part is
empathy. Imagine what your partner might be feeling, given
what he’s said. You validate not just his words but his
feelings. We aren’t taught to do this as well as woman do
so, as a therapist, I spend lost of time helping men be
empathic with one another.
After the Sender is complete and the Receiver has
mirrored, validated and empathized, then the couple
switches. Sender becomes Receiver and Receiver becomes
Sender. Still on the same topic, so as not to stack up
issues, allowing both partners’ realities to exist.
Afterward, if the conflict isn’t settled, IRT implements
many other communication techniques. Pick up Dr. Hendrix’s
books to learn more!
Mike and I first learned this couples
dialogue at a weekend workshop that, to become an Imago
therapist, I had to attend. I recall thinking, If Mike and I
are in such bad shape that we have to talk like this for the
rest of our lives, then it’s not worth it! It felt tedious
and mechanical. And it is! But later, after practicing it
for a while, we learned that it helped us hear each other
more accurately and deeply. Now, we use it only if we’re too
reactive. It’s saved us from a lot of fights that, before,
would have spun out into hurting each other’s feelings.
Most couples therapists will tell you that reactivity is not
helpful in handling communication between partners.
I
didn’t know this myself, having come from a family where if
something was on your mind, you just said it. Whether
another person was willing and wanted to hear you was
irrelevant. Needless to say, this doesn’t work, but I
brought this useless belief into my relationship with Mike.
IRT teaches that if you want to speak to your partner,
make an appointment. Sounds trite but it works. The partner
who has a frustration tells the other what it is. “Is this
is a good time to discuss it?” If the other says no, then
the two negotiate for a better time. We recommend that
couples not wait more than 24 hours, allowing for Sender to
learn patience and Receiver to be ready to be fully present
in the dialogue.
More about this dialogue can be learned
by reading Dr. Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting The Love
You Want: A Guide for Couples.
