by Joe Kort, MSW copyright, 2004
>>Download in PDF
format
After Massachusetts legalized marriage for gays and lesbians
earlier this year, my partner Mike and I decided to plan our
summer vacation in Provincetown and tie the legal knot after
11 years together. This wasn’t our first marriage, however.
And there were no divorces in between—we were never married
to anyone else. And the other 49 marriages we intend to have
will be the same: one state at a time.
This statement sounds like either a riddle or a paragraph
from the life of Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa Zsa Gabor. The
truth is, we were religiously wed under Reform Judaism in
the fall of 2000. Our family and friends joined us, and for
us it was a romantic, emotional, affectionate and spiritual
day. However, as we all know, it was not legal. Under Reform
Judaism, all we had to do was agree to raise our dog Jewish
and we assured the rabbi she would have a “Bark Mitzvah.”
For us though, this marriage was political. We wanted to be
a part of the process of legalizing marriage for gays by
participating as it unfolds. As in the movie, 50 First
Dates, we’re intending to hold 49 more first marriages.
Ironically, only four hours after our legal nuptials in
Massachusetts, we learned that California had nullified the
4,000 marriages they licensed over the summer. What a
letdown! And we knew that the minute we returned to
Michigan, our license would be nullified as well —but we
didn’t care. We wanted to go through the process anyway.
Before arriving in Provincetown, we contacted Massachusetts
officials, who told us that before we could proceed with the
marriage, we needed to have our blood work done. Upon our
arrival, we began telling people that we were there to be
legally married. Store owners, cab drivers and even people
in restaurants were slipping us the names and phone numbers
of those who will perform gay marriages for out-of-towners,
but they told us to keep it on the QT. It was like being in
the middle of a mystery novel. But to be honest, it actually
made us feel like second-class citizens.
At town hall, we decided to just go in quietly and complete
the paperwork. Everyone behind the counter immediately
congratulated us. So much for keeping a low profile! We were
ushered to a room where a lesbian couple from New York was
filling out the same forms. They were very nice, and all
four of us laughed and joked about how this felt so adult,
so “grown up.”
I thought about two books I’ve read, Why You Should Give A
Damn About Gay Marriage by Davina Kotulaski and Gay Marriage
by John Rauch. Both speak about how we, as gays and
lesbians, are forbidden from joining the adult fraternity of
married couples. I resent that to no end, and resented it
even more after reading it in the books. I particularly like
the way Rauch puts it:
“Marriage confers status: to be married, in the eyes of
society, is to be grown up. Marriage creates stakes: someone
depends on you. Marriage creates a safe harbor for sex.
Marriage put two heads together, pooling experience and
braking impulsiveness…We all need domesticating, not in the
veterinary sense but in a more literal, human sense: We need
a home. We are different people when we have a home: more
stable, more productive, more mature, less self-obsessed,
less impatient, and less anxious.”
He points out that even if you’re not married, the sheer
prospect of marriage is a great domesticator. “If you hope
to get married,” he writes, “and if your friends and peers
hope to get married, you will socialize and date more
carefully…you make yourself marriage material.” I am 41
years old, and have been an adult for long enough that I
deserve to be treated like one.
When Mike and I turned in the paperwork for our marriage
license, pride and honor overwhelmed me. We fell in love
with each other all over again. Just as when we married
religiously before, now doing it again legally brings back
the romantic times of our early experience together.
Marriage is a way to re-romanticize your relationship!
We were so excited about this political adventure now
turning into an emotional and romantic one again, that we
decided to buy more rings! Yes, gay men and jewelry jokes
aside, we decided that our initial bands had been engagement
rings. Now, our diamond rings from our religious ceremony
would become our formal religious rings and our new rings
would be our legal rings. We’re making up gay etiquette as
we go along!
Entering the jewelry store where we found what we wanted, we
discovered that newspapers around Massachusetts had
nicknamed this store “the Gay Tiffany’s.” A couple who had
been together for 52 years had bought their rings here, and
appeared on “Good Morning America,” as did these jewelers
who sold them the rings. The jewelers showed us the couple’s
photo and pictures of others who bought rings from their
store and married in P-town. I actually started crying as I
looked at the picture of these two men who waited 52 years
to make it legal! Then when they took our picture, I was
filled with pride and honor.
After we bought the rings, we now had to wait three days for
the license to become official and meanwhile, find ourselves
a justice of the peace. We called several and left
messages, then found one who answered her phone when we
called. I could hear her smoking like a chimney as she
talked incessantly about the injustice to gays and how she
loved being part of this momentous occasion for us. She
scheduled our appointment for August 12, Thursday—right after
we picked up our license.
The day came. We took photos going to town hall, going in,
picking up our license, and coming back down the stairs
holding our license. I have to tell you that holding that
piece of paper meant so much to me!
We met the minister, who in person was as nice and pleasant
as she’d been on the phone. A lesbian couple and their
friends cheered us on as we kissed, following the minister’s
prompting. It felt right. It was right. We were applauded at
shows when asked by Lesbian comics Kate Clinton, and
Margaret Cho, and a drag queen (who did a really bad Cher!)
if anyone got married while in P-town.
And there we were, legally married. For the remaining two
days of our trip, we were legal kin!
Getting married was a politically and romantically joyous
experience. I cannot wait for our next 49 chances.
|
