by Joe Kort, MSW copyright, 2004
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A recent survey asked San
Francisco gay men whether they were born gay. Eleven percent
of the men felt they were born gay, while the remaining 89%
claimed they were “sucked” into it!
That joke is funny only because it’s absurd! Absurd as the
idea that anyone can change from a gay to a straight
orientation, or vice versa, for that matter. But there
exists a body of literature on so-called Reparative Therapy
and clinical workers who call themselves Reparative
Therapists. I’d call them Extreme Makeover Artists. If you
believe their accounts, you could imagine that when their
work is done, clients look in the mirror and see themselves
as suddenly heterosexual!
The theory behind Reparative Therapy is that homosexuality
is a result of a person’s suffering a broken gender identity
and a stunted, “stuck” sexual development that’s gone “bad.”
Their “repair” work, to help clients regain their
heterosexuality, is almost always directed more at males
than females. The person—again, usually male— is labeled
with “low gender esteem”; the cure-all is to make him “more
of a man” and her “more of a woman.”
The problem is not that there are people with a homosexual
orientation who want to live heterosexually. That is an
individual decision for individuals to make.. The problem
is, these extreme makeover artists state repeatedly that
being gay is wrong and that everyone should be heterosexual
and live that way. Who can make that decision for anyone
else?
Reparative Therapy never uses the word gay, only the term
“homosexual.” As Richard Cohen says in his book, Coming
Out Straight, “There is nothing ‘gay’ about the
homosexual lifestyle.” True, for some individuals with a
homosexual orientation, there is nothing pleasant or
appealing about coming out and living affirmatively as a gay
or lesbian. These individuals cannot reconcile being gay,
which is about being affirmative toward one’s self, living
in integrity, honoring one’s sexual and romantic inner life,
and living congruently—as heterosexuals do with their sexual
and romantic orientation. Some decide they cannot live as a
gay or lesbian, so they create and support a life of
heterosexually. They do not change their sexual and romantic
orientation, simply their behavior!.
In my writings and presentations, I talk a great deal about
the covert cultural sexual abuse that gays and lesbians
undergo these days, with so much homophobia and heterosexism
in the media surrounding marriage for gays and lesbians.
Reparative Therapy is perhaps one of the biggest assaults
out there. Reparative Therapy, in fact, is a most overt form
of sexual assault on individuals and is usually inflicted on
children.
Sexual abuse can take the form of degrading one’s gender.
Reparative Therapy’s inherent abuse is telling those with
homosexual desires that they are not “man enough” or “woman
enough,” and that they should feel ashamed for being the
“kind of” male or female they are. That is gender abuse
which is a form of covert sexual abuse.
Probably the worst, most abusive book toward gays and
lesbians is Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph
Nicolosi. In its veiled way, this book gets around the
American Psychological Association’s warning that if you try
to help homosexuals to suppress their sexual and romantic
desires, they might lead lives of depression. So Nicolosi
and his wife wrote a book on preventing “homosexual”
orientation in the first place.
Nicolosi and others in his extreme-makeover camp have gotten
wise to the criticism of their approach and so have
disguised it. They’ve softened their terminology, as in
telling parents to correct children but not shame them for
playing with opposite-gender toys. If your son plays with a
doll, they advise to take it away and say you are giving it
to a little girl who needs it. To me, this is abominable.
They want men to be good fathers, but then stop them from
playing with dolls—which is one way to learn how to parent.
Nor will playing with dolls make a boy homosexual or lead to
orientation problems. Taking toys away, whether you do it
nicely or in a shaming way, will only wound the child’s
self-esteem.
Preventing Homosexuality tells mothers to “back off”
and turn away from their sons, giving the example in the
book of a mother who was “disgusted” by her son’s asking to
use her makeup. The only good thing they advise is for
fathers to get more involved. I couldn’t agree more: Fathers
have abandoned their sons, gay and straight alike, causing
much of the anxiety and depression in men today. More
involved fathers can help their sons become more mature men,
but not make them straight or gay.
Quite selectively, reparative therapy promotes antiquated
beliefs and theories about homosexuality and uses outdated
psychological views. Religious groups continue to turn out
“ex-gays” and supporting their “extreme makeovers.” After
their “sexual conversion,” I can just imagine these men and
woman looking in a mirror and screaming, “I never dreamed I
could look so . . . straight!!!” The groups promoting and
supporting “ex-gays” include Exodus, Courage, Homosexuals
Anonymous (a 12-step group to help those “powerless” over
their homosexuality). PFOX, Parents of Ex Gays and Lesbians,
is the evil twin of PFLAG, an affirmative support group for
families of gays and lesbians. These various groups claim to
have helped hundreds of men and women “heal their
homosexuality.” The most visible proponents are Joseph
Nicolosi, Charles Socarides, Richard Cohen.
As a disturbing side note, Socarides himself—who has written
extensively on how absent, distant fathers contribute to
creating homosexuality in their boys—has an openly gay son
who is active in politics. And Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote
the foreword to Richard Cohen’s Coming Out Straight,
published in 2000—during which time she denied that she was
speaking out against gays and lesbians. How can she make
that claim after contributing the foreword to a book that’s
completely anti-gay from page one?
Those who review and critique reparative therapy have done
extensive work of their own, uncovering the bigotry and lies
that these extreme makeover artists spew. These authors
include Martin Duberman, who wrote
Cures; Wayne R. Besen, author of
Anything But Straight; and Jack Drescher, editor of
Sexual Conversion Therapy and the
Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy.
I’d like to expose several myths that these reparative
therapy perpetuate, along with the misconceptions, sexism,
and cultural sexual abuse inherent in each one.
10 Smart Things to know about
Homosexuality
Myth #1: Being gay or lesbian results from stunted,
immature sexuality and gender.
Truth: Gay and lesbian children (and we adults) are
shamed for being the type of men and women we are. What is
wrong with a boy being effeminate or a girl being tomboyish?
It’s sexist to insist that certain actions or appearance
define being male or female. Also, this concept doesn’t
explain those heterosexual males or females who are sexually
immature or stunted and in their gender development.
I attended The New Warrior, a men’s workshop sponsored by
the Mankind Project (www.mkp.org),
because I wanted to heal the wounds left by those who, over
my lifetime, tried “to make a man out of me.” Most of them
were straight men, so my wounds were around what straight
advocates like Joseph Nicolosi and Richard Cohen had done to
me. The workshop did not make me straight, but built bridges
with other straights men and made me a stronger gay man.
Myth #2: Having permission to explore your sexuality
in ways other than heterosexual can make you gay.
Truth: If someone suddenly comes out as gay or
lesbian, that can make people think that they can change
their orientation, being straight one day and gay the next.
However, if people felt free to explore sexual and romantic
orientations of any kind, they would then not have to
suppress their innate sexuality and need to come out later
in life.
Myth #3: Being sexually abused as a child can make you
gay.
Truth: Totally false! Sexual abuse cannot shape
someone’s orientation. But it can shape behavior and confuse
individuals as to what their real sexual orientation is.
Adult males who abuse boys sexually can cause what’s called
homosexual imprinting: The boy can grow up and re-enact his
own sexual abuse by seeking out sex with other men. This is
not homosexuality, since it is based only on behavior.
After psychotherapy clears away
the trauma, often the imprinted behavior subsides and the
sexual abuse survivor’s true orientation—either gay or
straight— surfaces. There is a link between early sexual
trauma and later sexual acting out, which can include
same-sex behavior.
But again, the link explains
behavior only, not orientation.
Myth #4: Homosexuality is
just sexual behavior.
Truth: It’s also about attachment and
attraction—psychological, emotional, mental, and
spiritual—to a member of one’s own gender. For gay and
straight alike, behavior follows from one’s orientation..
Gayness and lesbianism are sexual and romantic orientations,
based on the heart.
Myth #5: Homosexuality can be prevented.
Truth: Totally untrue! By trying to prevent
homosexuality in a child, all the parent winds up doing is
shaming and abusing the child, causing gender confusion or
low self- esteem, no matter how gentle or loving the way
they do it is. In my office, countless gay men and lesbians
have shed tears remembering how a parent took away their
toys or imposed stereotypical male or female behaviors on
them as children.
Myth #6: Homosexuality is an “alternative lifestyle.”
Truth: Gay or straight, we are taught since childhood
the homonegative belief that being gay is more difficult way
to live. Calling homosexuality “alternative” implies that
heterosexuality is the standard. But this “straight
alternative” of heterosexual living is actually harder for
gays and lesbians, and can lead to depression and
self-defeating, even self-destructive behavior. For gays and
lesbians, heterosexuality is an alternative lifestyle!
Myth #7: Homosexuality is caused by a smothering,
overprotective mother and an absent, emotionally distant
father.
Truth: Very early on, a mother can tell that there’s
something different about her child, and may she will be
more protective to prevent him or her from being teased and
abused for being a gay or lesbian. The father, sensing that
his son might be gay, will distance himself but most often,
won’t know how to react.
Historically, schizophrenic children were believed to be the
product of “refrigerator moms.” Later, we learned that
schizophrenia is a biological disorder and that the mothers
acted cold toward their children after feeling a lack of
attachment in return. One day, I believe, we will learn that
children are biologically gay or lesbian, and that a
parent’s response to their sexual orientation absolutely
does not form it.
Myth #8: Anyone can choose to change one’s orientation
from homosexual to heterosexual.
Truth: Anyone can choose to live as they wish and be
anything they want to be. But orientation is as stable as
temperament. Children are born with a definite temperament
that can change somewhat as they move into adulthood and
learn to adapt, but it stays mostly within the same range.
The same is true of homosexuality. People can change their
lives to support a heterosexual life style, but do not
change their true sexual orientation. Study after study
shows that for those who try and change their sexual and
romantic orientation, the relapse rate is very high. I
suspect that those who’ve been “successful” at changing
their orientation were not essentially homosexual to begin
with, but were either acting out sexual abuse (acting-out is
behavior only), or were bi-attractional, tending more toward
woman then men. This is entirely different from changing
one’s basic orientation.
Myth #9: Everyone is born straight.
Truth: There is no scientific evidence that people
are either born straight or born gay. Anti-gay
fundamentalists, and other extreme makeover artists like
reparative therapists, assert that no one is born
homosexual. That is their viewpoint only, since no
scientific data supports any genetic or biologic basis for
opposite-sex attractions.
Myth #10: Adolescence offers a second chance at
heterosexuality.
Truth: By the time individuals become teenagers,
their sexuality is set. We are now seeing more and more
adolescents, gay and straight alike, experimenting with
same- sex and opposite-sex behavior. They are not magically
converting to one orientation over the other, simply playing
and experimenting—and ultimately, not afraid to give
themselves full permission for self-discovery. I’d say
they’re to be admired. They seem to understand that in the
end, your orientation is your orientation, whatever that may
be.
