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ARTICLES BY JOE KORT

All contents ©1995–present by Joe Kort & Associates. For reprint permission, contact us.

ARTICLES ON

Sexuality

  • Case Study: Is All Fair in Love and Sex? How Couples Can Embrace their Sexual Differences By Joe Kort, Originally published in Psychotherapy Networker Magazine

    Most couples therapists, if they were to put aside their mask of neutrality, would agree that women are in a privileged position in therapy because they can usually access their feelings better and have a fuller command of the language for doing so, especially when it comes to sex and intimacy. As a result, couples therapists often spend much of their time trying to get the man to act more like the woman, reclaiming the more feminine parts of himself to deepen his connection with his partner.

    In my own work as a couples therapist, I, too, used to side automatically with the woman's values, especially the idea that relational sex—involving deep emotional connection—is what couples should be having all the time. Like many therapists, I saw nonnormative practices that involved acting out fantasies or deviating from mainstream sexual conventions as problematic, and I’d usually join with the partner who didn’t like them. For instance, I once had a client who was turned on by listening outside the bathroom door to his wife pee before they had sex. It was like a form of exciting foreplay for him, but it angered and disgusted his wife. I wound up agreeing with her and viewing his interest in engaging in that behavior as a form of pathology. Looking back, it seems a better approach would’ve been to help the couple understand the differences in the way men and women often express their attachment to each other in sex.



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  • I found a gay app on my dad's mobile phone by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2014 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe, I think I have a good relationship with my dad, but he's never been the type of father who's particularly wanted to discuss my sexuality or relationships with me. But the other week when I went to visit my parents I was using his phone and noticed a gay dating app on it. I was completely taken aback and didn't know what to say so I didn't mention it at the time but I keep thinking about whether I should. As far as I know my parents are happily married and maybe he was just curious about the app and wanted to know more about my lifestyle, but if he is struggling with his sexuality should I say something? I'm not sure I want to know the answer, especially if it has consequences for my parents' marriage.



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  • 'I LIKE STRAIGHT-ACTING GUYS, BUT EVEN KNOWING THEY'RE GAY USUALLY TURNS ME OFF ' by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2013 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe, I am a gay guy and am only attracted to straight men. I want a relationship with another man, but every time I try dating gay guys, I'm instantly turned off because they're usually not masculine enough. I like straight-acting guys, but even knowing they're gay usually puts me off I know that, by only looking/or straight men, I'll stay lonely and single foreoer. But I don't seem to be able to help who I'm attracted to. Help.



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  • 'I can't have sex without getting drunk' by Joe Kort, MSW ©2012 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe, I've always had an active social life, and having been single for a couple of years, I frequently take a guy home after I've been out. However, I'm so used to meeting guys when I'm drunk, I find that I can't get in the mood these days unless I've had a few drinks. I've recently started seeing someone who I really like, but the thought of having sex with him without a drink makes me uncomfortable. How can I ease myself back into 'sober sex'? 



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  • 'I'm turned off by my boyfriend's watersports fantasy' by Joe Kort, MSW ©2012 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe, I've been going out with my boyfriend for a couple of years and always had a fulfilling sex hfe. In the past couple of weeks he's told me he wants to try watersports, and that it has always been a fantasy of his. I'm trying to be understanding about this, but to be honest the idea really turns me off. I don't know whether to compromise and try something I don't really want to do, or stand my ground and tell him It IS not going to happen. What should I do?.



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  • 'Why are so many guys size queens?' Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK.

    Dear Joe, I always grew up being quite confident about my body, but as soon as I started being sexually active on the gay scene it became apparent that my penis didn't measure up to the size of most other guys. Not so long ago I went on a couple of great dates with a guy I was really into, but when it got to the bedroom, the comments he made about my size left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I feel like all gay men are obsessed with size, and this guy wasn't the first to point ou t how I didn't measure up.



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  • 'Me and my boyfriend are both tops who don't want to bottom' ©2012 by Joe Kort. All Rights Reserved Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK

    Dear Joe,

    I've been seeing my boyfriend for a couple of months now. We really fancy each other. We're still at that stage where we can't keep our hands off one another. Overall, we're having a great time. However, the problem is that we're both tops. In the past, I've tried being a bottom and really didn't enjoy it.



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  • Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Straight: What Are We Really Talking About? by Joe Kort, Ph.D. © 2012 All rights reserved.

    Most people -- gay and straight alike -- prefer to believe that you are either gay or straight. Bisexuals are seen as "bi now, gay later." And those who are "heteroflexible" -- heterosexual but enjoying gay sex everyone once in a while -- are almost always seen as latent homosexuals, especially if they are males. The truth is that it is not this simple at all.



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  • Hot Man on Man Action (And the Lesbians Who Love Watching It) (And the Lesbians Who Love Watching It)

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  • How Much Porn is Too Much Porn? Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK.

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  • Gay Men on Oral Sex Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK.

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  • What is a Fetish?

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  • Depathologizing Porn

    Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?

    In more than 25 years of practice, I've heard hundreds of stories of how pornography use can damage people's sex lives profoundly and ruin their marriages. I've personally had many couples describe the shame and secretiveness of one partner's involvement with porn. Time and again, I've treated people for whom viewing porn has become a compulsion and who've come to prefer it to being with a partner. Yet I've worked with many for whom porn isn't destructive to their relationship, but, in their view, offers a source of excitement and satisfaction they wouldn't otherwise experience.



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  • Cuckolds: Straight Men Having Sex with Men with Women Present by Joe Kort, MSW ©2008 All rights reserved.

    According to the Oxford English Dictionary , a cuckold is “a derisive name for the husband of an unfaithful wife.” The concept of being a cuckold is that a man’s wife or girlfriend is interested in being with another man, usually because she complains of not being sexually satisfied by her husband or boyfriend. Often the other man is more endowed and the male partner is therefore humiliated and shamed for not being able to satisfy his woman as this man can. Usually these sexual fantasies involve the women being sexually dominant and forcing their male partners to watch and/or participate in the sexual acts.



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  • Sex-Starved Gay Male Couples: The Untold Secret by Joe Kort, MSW ©2008 All rights reserved.

    Gay male couples feel a lot of pressure to remain sexually fresh, new, and exciting. That’s the popular stereotype. “All gay men love sex and have it a lot” trumpets the popular press. “If I were gay,” straight men joke, “I would be having sex all the time with my partner! Guys always want it!”



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  • Sen. Larry Craig—Straight or Gay? by Joe Kort, MSW ©2007 All rights reserved.

    While I don't believe Larry Craig is innocent of his foot tapping incident in a public restroom nor is he innocent of his intent to have sex with another man. And I also don't believe he is gay.



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  • Misandry—The hatred of men as a sex by Joe Kort, MSW ©2007 All rights reserved.

    Eminem went where no son has publicly gone before—or is allowed to go—in attacking his mother. In this society, it is taboo to speak ill of our mothers, so we either keep silent or get judged negatively for doing it. It is as though we are not allowed to talk about the bad only the good. By going against his mother, a man gets punished and called a misogynist who hates women.



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  • Straight Men Who Have Sex with Other Men (SMSM) ©2006 by Joe Kort. All Rights Reserved

    I have seen hundreds of heterosexual men come to my office with same-sex behaviors worried that they might be gay. However I have always been able to help these men distinguish between their organic, innate sexual and romantic orientation as well as their sexual preferences. I have always known that straight men can have sex with other men and not be gay.



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  • Gay Guise: What to Do When Your Client has Sex with Men, But Is Straight

    Paul, a slim, attractive, 29-year-old white man who owns a landscaping company, was referred to me by his therapist (with whom he was making no progress) shortly after he attempted suicide. He told me that eight months previously, Julie, his fiancée, had discovered that he'd been having unprotected anal sex with men. When she confronted him, he denied it, but soon broke down and confessed. Devastated and angry, she broke off their engagement, accusing him of being duplicitous (she believed they were monogamous) and secretive. Worst of all, she felt frightened that he'd put her at risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.



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  • Straight Guise: A New Blog by Joe Kort, MSW ©2007 All rights reserved.

    Straight Guise is about men who have sex with men (MSM) who question their sexual orientation. This is not intended for reparative therapy, religion or pornography. This site is about the many reasons men engage in sexual contact with other men that are not about homosexuality. It will educate readers on the differences between sexual identity, sexual behavior and sexual fantasy.



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  • Give Up on Finding Your Leading Will

    Straight women and gay men seem to make the perfect couple and it's no shallow TV trend. by D'D' Alson



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  • Are You Sexually a High-T or a Low-T? by Joe Kort, MSW copyright 2004

    Jerry and Linda came to me to help them with their marital problems. He felt that she had tricked him into marrying her by “pretending” to have a high sex drive, and believed that Linda was now withholding sex in an effort to punish him for problems in their marriage.



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  • Are You What You Orgasm? © 2004 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved

    In the talks I give around the country, audiences often ask me about what being gay or straight really is. Most people believe that if you engage in—or even think about—certain homosexual sex acts, then that reveals . . .



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  • The Men In the Mirror:Understanding Gay Men and Their Porn © 2004 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved

    In 1978, when I was 15 years old, there were no gay role models. I remember going to a local bookstore and seeing pornographic magazines . . 



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  • Finding the Root of Your Sexual Fantasies originally published in Between the Lines Michigan Gay and Lesbian Newspaper April 21, 2004

    “You know how you say you can tell a lot about a person by knowing their friends,” asked popular psychotherapist and author Joe Kort. “Well, if you know a lot about your sexual fantasies and desires, you know a lot about you as a person.” Intriguing, you say. Tell me more.



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