248-399-7317
joekort@joekort.com
Sign up for our free bi-monthly newsletter updates:

ARTICLES BY JOE KORT

All contents ©1995–present by Joe Kort & Associates. For reprint permission, contact us.

ARTICLES ON

Gay and Lesbian Relationships

  • I am only attracted to guys that are emotionally unavailable by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2014 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I've never seemed to have much luck holding down a relationship, and I'm starting to realise that I'm only attracted to guys that are unavailable, emotionally or otherwise. I enjoy the chase and the excitement involved when I'm pursuing someone, but if they start to show too much interest I find it a massive turn-off and start looking elsewhere. When I am in a relationship I only enjoy it if it feels fairly unstable, and if things get too intimate or seem too easy I get bored quickly. I know that this isn't going to make me happy in the long-term but I can't seem to help how I feel.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • My Boyfriend Is The Breadwinner and Does Not Take My Job Seriously by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2014 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    My boyfriend and I met at university about two years ago but we've since moved to London, where our careers have taken very different paths. I've been working as a retail manager while my boyfriend works at a high-powered accountancy firm where he is really well-paid. He's definitely become the breadwinner in our relationship and it's started to make me feel emasculated. As well as paying most of the rent for our flat, he insists on paying for everything when we go out, and if I do treat him he'll always make a comment about whether I can afford it, which really bugs me. I know he works hard but sometimes it feels like he doesn't take my job seriously. We recently fought because I'd had a bad day at work and his response was effectively to say, "Well how hard can it really be?" I feel like our lives revolve around his career and it's starting to drive a wedge between us_ What should I do?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL MY BOYFRIEND I WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2014 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now and I love him to bits, but on a night out a few weeks ago we ended up having a stupid drink-fuelled fight. He left and in my drunken state I ended up going home with someone else I met at the club. I'd made out with him already but by the time I got back to his place I'd come to my senses and tried to leave. He got aggressive and forced himself on me. Afterwards I tried to pretend it never happened, but I feel sick whenever I think about it. I've been suffering from anxiety ever since and my boyfriend knows something is wrong but I don't know what to tell him. I know I shouldn't have gone home with that guy in the first place and after all that's happened I don't want to lose my boyfriend too. Should I tell him the truth?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Will My Bisexual BF Leave Me For A Woman? by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2014 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I met my boyfriend about eight months ago and things have been going amazingly ever since. He told me he was bisexual the night we met and it didn't faze me at all, but now I've fallen completely in love with him and I'm worried about the future. He's dated guys before but his only serious relationship was with a woman, who he was with for nearly four years. I've never been the insecure type but the longer we're together the more I'm getting paranoid about his attraction to women because I can't compete with it. He says he loves me but we're both in our late 20s and I'm worried that as we get older he might want to settle down with a woman. Am I going to get hurt if I stay with him?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • My Boyfriend Has A Boyfriend, What Should I Do? by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2014 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    Earlier this year I met a lovely guy, who I adore and am really attracted to. I have never gone for men who are not my own age ~ but I am 49 and he is 33. Sometimes I feel guilty about this, but he has made all the moves. The problem is he has a long term boyfriend. Sometimes he feels guilty about that and we go back to being just friends. And then sometimes he wants us to sleep together and he is very tender with me. He tells me how awful his boyfriend is to him ~ and I'm kind of waiting and hoping that one day he will leave him. Most of all, I don't want to lose his friendship but I am not getting any younger and wonder if by hanging onto this I may miss all chances of long-term love. What should I do?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • My Boyfriend Used to Sleep Around, Can I Trust Him?

    Dear Joe,

    I have been dating my boyfriend for four months and things are getting serious. We are both 25 and we have such a laugh when we are together. He is only the second man I have ever slept with - I only came out two years ago, and I didn't really want to sleep around like all my friends seem to do. I asked my boyfriend how many men he has slept with - and it turns out it has been hundreds. It has left me feeling a bit inadequate. He says he wants to settle down now - but l just think that ifhis appetite for men is that huge, sooner or later he is going to want more variety. I am committed to him - but wonder if maybe I should have slept with more men before we got together. I was thinking I might be with him for the rest of my life - but this has given me doubts. Please help.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • HE HAS TOLD ME WE MUST HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2013 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I have been with my boyfriend for nine years and he is the love of my life. A couple of years ago we stopped having sex - I think we just lost the desire to, although we didn't talk about it. Last year I discovered he was having an affair with a mutual friend. After being extremely angry with him, we sat down to discuss it maturely and he told me he wanted us to have an open relationship. I didn't want to lose him - so now he is sleeping with both of us, as well as other men. Surprisingly, since I found out about this other man, the sex between us has never been better and I have never wanted him more - although I am often consumed with feelings of jealousy. I have so far remained faithful to my partner. What should I do? Is this situation tenable?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • My Boyfriend is Not Out to Anybody But Me by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2013 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I have been seeing my boyfriend for the last nine months and I have never felt so happy or excited by a man. He is handsome, considerate and kind. It seems churlish to find anything to complain about, but he is not out to any of his friends or family. I'm effectively the only person who knows he is gay. He says he can never come out, because of his religious background. I have tried to persuade him to at least tell one other person, but he gets really upset and defensive about it, and I worry that by bringing it up, I risk losing him. At the same time, I just don't know what this means for the future of our relationship. We have never even been to a gay bar together. What should I do?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • MY BOYFRIEND KEEPS HITTING ME. I STILL LOVE HIM. HOW CAN I GET HIM TO CHANGE? by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2013 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I have been in a loving and long-term relationship with my partner for the last five years. We signed a civil partnership last year. Before we got married I was having a few worries about the state of our relationship but I thought that by taking this step they might go away. My partner has always been quite controlling, he goes through my phone, even though I've never been unfaithful and he gets cross when I socialise with people he doesn't like - which seems to be most of my friends. One of my friends wrote me an email telling me he didn't like it when my partner yells at me - and it made me realise that it was not healthy. At Christmas I told him I didn't want him to shout at me anymore and he hit me in the face. The next day he was really sorry and begged me not to leave. I really do love him so I stayed. Since then he has hit me three more times. I've stopped seeing my friends because I just feel so embarrassed and don't know what to say to them. I really love him and don't want us to break up but I can't go on like this. Is there some way that I can get him to stop doing this to me? Underneath it all, I know he is a good man.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • MY BOYFRIEND IS MARRIED TO HIS WIFE, MY FRIENDS SAY I SHOULD DUMP HIM by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2013 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I HAVE BEEN DATING A GUY FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS AND I'M FALLING IN LOVE. THE PROBLEM IS HE IS STILL MARRIED TO HIS WIFE. THEY STILL LIVE TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY HAVE CHILDREN AND HE DOESN'T PLAN ON MOVING OUT ANYTIME SOON. MY FRIENDS ARE TELLING ME I SHOULD DUMP THE GUY BUT I REALLY LIKE HIM. WHAT SHOULD I DO?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • 'MY BOYFRIEND IS TOO CLOSE TO HIS MOTHER' by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2013 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    My boyfriend is bothered by my relationship with my mother. She and I are very close, and I consider it to be healthy. My father is not very nice to her so she confides in me and we talk on the phone every day. My boyfriend says he feels like I am in a relationship with her and there is no room for him. When he is around my mother he feels she is cold towards him and she refers to him as my 'friend' rather than my boyfriend. I think she is sweet and doing her best but he feels second best to her. What should I do?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • 'I daren't tell my boyfriend about all the sex I've had' by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2013 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    My new boyfriend is lovely. We're both in our late 20S and feel as if we're getting into a really emotionally fulfilling relationship. The problem is that while he is relatively sexually inexperienced, having only slept with one guy before me, I've been quite the prolific lover. He knows some of my sexual past but not the nitty gritty. I feel I should be honest about it but I don't want him to think I'm totally easy. I'm starting to feel a bit insecure about really letting go in the bedroom as well, in case he cottons on to how much I've done.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • 'I really like this guy, but he's a drag queen, which turns me off' by Joe Kort, MSW ©2012 All rights reserved.

    Dear Joe,

    I've started seeing a guy recently who I'm really attracted to, and have struck a good rapport with. It is rare that I get on with anyone this well. But he recently confided in me that he is in fact our town's local drag queen in his spare time. He says he loves his job and he'd never give it up, but the whole thing makes me a bit embarrassed.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • The Ex Factor ©2012 by Joe Kort. All Rights Reserved

    Adam 'Beresford EXPLORES THE STORIES OF FOUR COUPLES WHO MADE THE LEAP FROM RELATIONSHIP TO FRIENDSHIP. HE STARTS WITH HIS OWN STORY

    Attitude Magazine, UK



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • I can't stop cheating on my boyfriend Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK.

    Dear Attitude, I'm in a long-term relationship with a man I'm absolutely crazy about but I have a problem in that I keep cheating on him. I never mean to do it and always feel dreadful afterwards. I always vow I'll never play away again, so I've never told my partner.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Gay men and Open Relationships Dr. Kort writes for Attitude Magazine in the UK.

    Read More
  • Why Couples Strong-Arm Rather than Disarm Each Other by Joe Kort

    Sigmund Freud first identified the psychological process of transference and brought it into what is now modern day psychotherapy. He noticed that people had strong feelings and fantasies about him that had no basis in reality between he and the client. In fact, transference is actually something that happens in life—and not just psychotherapy. 



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Hooking Up or Something More?

    You meet a great guy and sparks fly. Then you don’t hear from him for a bit, until—boom! Round two! Suddenly you’re in a pattern of hooking up regularly, and you like him enough to hope it means you’re dating. But infatuation and sexual attraction can play tricky mind games. Often, they convince us we’re dating someone who’s not dating us back. How to know the real deal? We asked some serial bachelors and a relationship expert to reveal the signs that you’re being kept at arm’s length. If your current honey exhibits these behaviors, realize it’s a fling—which is fine! Have fun, but when you want something serious, move on to someone with whom you have both chemistry and long-term potential. Read more. . .



    Read More
  • Gay? How to Decode [Online] Profiles

    Wondering if that cute guy is really your match? Then you need to learn how to read the secret signals hiding in his profile. Your lesson starts here.



    Read More
  • How the Grinch Stole Marriage with apologies to Dr. Seuss

    Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!



    Read More
  • About Intentional Dialogue Excerpted from Chapter 10 of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort, MSW copyright 2003

    Imago Relationship Therapy has a wonderful communication exercise that I use with most every couple—including my own relationship. The communication exercise is called theIntentional Dialogue  and is actually the foundation to all Imago techniques. This Intentional Dialogue has three parts—mirroring, validation and empathy. It offers couples ways to communicate and be in dialogues, not monologues



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • People-Based Therapy: Imago for Gay and Lesbian Relationships by Joe Kort, MSW copyright 2004

    In a society that sees most relationships as disposable, lesbian and gay relationships are seen and treated as even more disposable. Thus, when conflict arises and the relationship becomes more difficult, it seems easier for lesbian and gay couples to give up on the relationship rather than face the struggle together.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • The Face of Gay Americans by Joe Kort, MSW copyright 2004 Originally Published in the Detroit Jewish News, September 2004

    I am a Gay American too, just like New Jersey Gov. James E. McGreevey who came out as one in July 2004. And for two days I felt like one after my partner and I were legally married in Massachusetts on August 19, 2004. We were finally admitted into the adult fraternity of the officially married, and for two days, we were legal kin.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • 50 First Marriages: One Person, One Partner by Joe Kort, MSW copyright, 2004

    After Massachusetts legalized marriage for gays and lesbians earlier this year, my partner Mike and I decided to plan our summer vacation in Provincetown and tie the legal knot after 11 years together.  This wasn’t our first marriage, however. And there were no divorces in between—we were never married to anyone else. And the other 49 marriages we intend to have will be the same: one state at a time.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • “Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship” © 2004 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved

    When I saw this saying embroidered on a pillow, I bought it to display in the office where I do my relationship workshops, because it reminded me of....



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Monogamous Ever After? 10 Smart Things Gay Male Couples Can Teach Other Couples about Sexual Non-monogamy by Joe Kort, MSW copyright, 2004

    I’ve wanted to write an article on this topic ever since I began working with a gay male couple who told me that they were monogamous. After several months, however, they informed me they had had a three-way. When I asked if they had changed from monogamy, they said, “No.”



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Love is never wrong: Why Gay Marriage is right © 2004 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved

    Recently an editorial by Bishop Keith Butler, a pastor of Word of Faith International Christian Center Church from www.wordoffaith-icc.org titled an editorial in...



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Turns Out The Happy Couple Is Gay BY Kathleen Kelleher, Special to the LA Times (reprinted) · All Rights Reserved

    Clinical psychologist John Gottman, a research scientist at the University of Washington who has studied heterosexual couples for . . .



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • I was just married © 2004 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved Between the Lines December 7, 2000 Royal Oak Mirror December 7, 2000

    I was just married. Some people would not validate that fact because as a man I married another man. If you asked most people if their . . .



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Couples must learn About the Stages of Love Between the Lines FEBRUARY 1997 © 2004 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved

    Lesbians and Gays are a sexually abused culture. We are under sexual assault regularly from society. We are only seen for our sex acts . . .



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Recognition Of Relationships Could Replace Criticism © 2002 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved Parts of this article originally appeared in the Detroit Jewish News in 1997

    As human beings, we all long for contact and connection with one another. We yearn to be in lasting adult love relationships . . .



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Couples Weekend Workshop overview © 2004 by Joe Kort. All rights reserved

    This weekend couples’ workshop is based on Imago Relationship Therapy, as developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and explained his . . .



    Read More
  • Singles & Individuals Fall Workshops Four week teleclass

    This 6 week workshop is appropriate for singles not currently in a relationship, who are tired of making the same mistakes over and . . .



    Read More
  • Therapist helps gays make love less elusive By Sharon Gittleman Between the Lines January 2002 · All Rights Reserved

    ROYAL OAK - Passion is rarely subject to reason. Deciding whether to let go of a seemingly troubled relationship is an emotion-laden . . .



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • Young Gay Rites

    By BENOIT DENIZET-LEWIS Published: April 27, 2008
    “For many young gay men today, settling down in a relationship in their 20s — or getting married if they live in Massachusetts — will feel like a very natural thing to do,” says Joe Kort, a psychotherapist and the author “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives.” But with no model

    Read more



    Read More
  • I just started seeing someone who has recently lost his mother. I worry he's not ready for a relationship. What should I do? by Joe Kort, Ph.D. ©2015 All rights reserved.

    DEAR JOE

    I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks and he's going through a real tragedy: His mother passed away a couple of weeks ago. He will often just break down and I'm not sure how to respond. We've just met recently and I am afraid of getting too attached in case he isn't ready. Am I doing the wrong thing in considering breaking things off? I know he's going through hell right now but I've also got to protect myself.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • I'm in a long-term relationship and we've lost the spark by Joe Kort, ©2015. All rights reserved.

    DEAR JOE

    I've been with my husband for almost a decade now and he's my world. We had a civil partnership two years ago and while I can't imagine my life without him, things have been really stale for a while now. Our lives have pretty much become an endless cycle of going to work, coming home and spending the evening in front of the laptop or TV. We're both so tired that we have sex maybe a couple of times a month, and I snore so most of the week we'll sleep in separate bedrooms anyway.



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • My boyfriend is getting controlling and raised his fist to me by Joe Kort, ©2015. All rights reserved.

    DEAR JOE

    I have been with my boyfriend for the past nine months or so. The beginning was great, we hit if off well and everything looked promising, but in the last few months he's changed and has become really critical of me. He puts me down in front of friends, when I tell him I don't like it he tells me I am just imagining things and being too sensitive. When we make plans he's often late or doesn't even show, and if I complain he tells me he is upset that I do the same thing - which isn't true. Lately he has been accusing me of being on Grindr and hooking up with other guys, which is absolutely not true. Things came to a head last week when he grabbed my phone from me after I received a text. I tried to grab it back but he shoved me and showed me his fist in anger while shouting at me. He didn't hit me but it terrified me. I get on with him like no one else when things are good but I feel bullied by him. What should I do?



    Read More Download in PDF format
  • I think my boyfriend's cheating on me. Is there any hope for us? by Joe Kort, ©2015. All rights reserved.

    DEAR JOE

    I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. There have been the usual ups and downs but I thought things were going well, until I accidentally saw a weird text pop on his phone. I went through it and discovered he has been texting a guy, and it's clear he has sexual and romantic feelings toward him. I confronted him but he denied it and it was only when I told him I'd seen the texts that he admitted it. He says it was nothing more than texts and that he never met the guy and he's promised to stop. He keeps telling me I'm being paranoid and that he's being honest with me and that I should trust him, but ever since I've been sneaking onto his phone and computer, and even followed him to the gym. I can't sleep and am constantly worrying about where he is and what he is doing. What should I do?



    Read More Download in PDF format